how can solve family problems

All families deal with relationship difficulties, small or large, at various times throughout the family experience. Family problems come in all shapes and sizes, impacting family dynamics and shaping family relationships. The ways that family members cope with and solve issues provide a framework for family dynamics and set the tone for family life. 

How to Solve Family Problems

  • Create an Environment of Sharing
  • Acknowledge the Problem
  • Get to the Deeper Issue
  • Focus on the Relationship – Let Go of Anger and Pride
  • Get Professional Help

Remember to Take Care of Yourself

Creating a family culture of openness and security, and taking the steps to resolve family issues, can improve relationships and maintain positive family dynamics. 

Common Family Problems

Families face a variety of problems, both large and small. Family conflict and relationship problems can include arguments, miscommunication, and misunderstanding. They also can involve deeper issues such as substance abuse, financial instability, mental illness, grief, health problems, and divorce. Sometimes, these issues exist between only two family members, and other times they spread throughout the entire family, creating extended family issues . Some issues, like grief after the loss of a loved one, appear plainly on the surface, while others can be more subtle. Perhaps your child refuses to communicate with you, or your wife doesn’t seem to be a happily married woman .

Family issues often have underlying causes which are not always apparent.. And yet the impact of these root causes can spread throughout the family, creates conflict or emotional strain in several family relationships. Such conflict is especially impactful on a child’s life, creating emotional difficulties that are often carried from their childhood and adolescence into their adult lives and future family relationships.

Create an Environment of Sharing 

Families are built on relationships, and relationships are strengthened through healthy communication. An environment of sharing creates the foundation for healthy communication. Family members need to feel safe to share their feelings and discuss their issues and emotions. As a family oriented parent , that means allowing your child to share their point of view without fear of judgment or punishment. Sometimes, a child just needs to feel certain that what they say will be taken seriously. A child who feels safe can talk about difficult or emotional subjects, such as mental health, self-identity, anxiety, or substance abuse. Children who feel safe and respected are much more likely to open up to a parent when struggling with a situation or trying to make a difficult decision. This is also true for other family relationships—not just between parent and child, but between siblings and within the marriage.

Ways to achieve an environment of sharing include:

  • Listen. Really listen to the other person before providing advice or counsel. Sometimes, it is better to first ask if advice is welcome. If the answer is no, let it go and follow up later.
  • Be willing to share your own feelings. Sometimes things seem obvious to us, but they may not be obvious to your child, spouse, or sibling. Sharing your own feelings without placing blame can bring up new points of view.
  • Speak for yourself and avoid blame. When sharing your perspective, present it as just that - your perspective and not the facts. 
  • Recognize others’ experiences as valid. Telling others how they feel or should feel creates barriers and discourages sharing.
  • Be human. Admitting you are wrong, or that you made a mistake, can help others feel more comfortable to admit their own mistakes.
  • Model the behavior you want to see. We are all influenced by the people who surround us. Modeling healthy ways to express thoughts and emotions encourages others to do the same.
  • Do things together. Families that spend time together engaged in positive activities achieve a sense of closeness that encourages open communication and sharing. Explore shared interests, sports, or service ideas for families . Activities that involve serving others and getting outside are especially fulfilling and often instigate future conversations and closer relationships.

Sharing openly among family members sets the stage for solving family problems and preventing future issues from arising.

Acknowledge the Family Problem 

Sometimes family problems stem from  something simple like a lack of closeness. Other times the problems involve something much more serious, like abuse. Acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step in doing something to fix the situation. Ignoring issues and pretending everything is fine are common unhealthy coping mechanisms for family members experiencing relationship conflict or emotionally difficult situations. 

Lack of acknowledgment can exacerbate issues, fuel negative situations, and culminate in negative or damaging behavior, such as lashing out in anger, aggressive argument, substance abuse, or family violence. Acknowledging a problem as early as possible allows positive action to be taken toward fixing the situation, and may prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms that lead to negative situations.

Sometimes we avoid discussing problems because our past efforts to do so only seemed to make things worse. As a result, we believe that avoiding is better than continuing to fight. In truth, avoiding instead of fighting just leads to other side effects in families. Feeling stuck is often a sign that involving a third party is needed, such as a good marriage and family therapist.

Get to the Deeper Family Issue

After acknowledging that a problem exists, steps can be taken to identify the source of the problem and improve the situation. Most family problems are merely symptoms on the surface of a deeper-rooted cause. Knowing the cause paves the way for greater empathy among family members and illuminates situations that require change. Here are some examples of family problems and their deeper issues:

Conflict between siblings – The majority of families will experience some sibling conflict between children at various times. But if that conflict extends beyond the occasional bickering to consistent emotional arguing or angry or hurtful behavior, then a deeper issue is likely the cause. That deeper issue could involve jealousy or feelings of inadequacy, where one child feels overshadowed by the other. One child could be putting pressure on the other to keep a secret from their parents (such as breaking a rule or lying). The cause could also be external, affecting one child who in turn uses their sibling as a dump truck for unloading their stress, frustration, or anger. 

Alcohol abuse or other substance abuse – Family members who abuse alcohol or other substances are often using the activity as an escape mechanism. They could be escaping from a difficult emotional situation, such as grief over the loss of a loved one, financial instability, marriage conflict, or divorce. Or, they could be escaping from physical pain from illness or other health problems. Professional help from a therapist or support group can help to break down the deeper issues that lead people to substance abuse and start them on the road to recovery.

Stress and anxiety in children – These are common effects of a variety of deeper issues. Often, anxiety is triggered by an event or a difficult situation. The stress that stems from it leads to further anxiety, creating a cyclical pattern. The root of the anxiety could be a social issue at school or concern for a friend. It could relate to feeling overwhelmed in school or struggling with an undiagnosed learning disorder. Children often perceive more than they let on and could be reacting to a passing comment from a parent, such as “Our budget is tight this month.” Talking with your child and maintaining trust through open communication encourages children to reveal the source of their anxiety.

Sometimes, identifying the deeper issue and bringing it out in the open is all it takes to resolve a problem. Other times, merely identifying the root cause is just the beginning of the long road to resolution. This important and necessary step will help to develop a plan for resolving issues and encourage understanding within family relationships.

Focus on the Family Relationship – Let Go of Anger and Pride 

Anger and pride are the enemies of healthy family relationships. They feed negative emotions, hamper empathy and understanding, and thwart positive and open communication. Holding on to these feelings blocks the path to conflict resolution. Anger and pride are divisive to family relationships and damaging to individual mental health. They are fuel for the cyclical patterns of stress, anxiety, and depression. Despite knowing this, however, letting go of such emotions can be difficult – and sometimes painful. The fear of pain, vulnerability, or failure are often what keeps a person from improving their family relationships and focusing on the importance of family .

One of the best ways to move beyond that fear is to focus on the relationship. Prioritize the goal—a healthier, happier relationship—over the fear of being hurt or the fear of failure. When family problems exist, a person has usually been hurt already, which makes the fear of being hurt again even greater. But while that risk of further hurt is real, the potential for healing and resolution is also real. Focusing on that potential, and letting go of those negative emotions, opens the door to healthier communication, relationship healing, and better mental health.

Get Professional Family Help

Getting professional help is one of the best ways to handle family problems. Some situations, such as those involving abuse, dangerous behavior, or domestic violence, require immediate professional help and formal family assessment . In other situations, such as ongoing disagreements over a certain topic or lack of closeness within a marriage, brief therapy help can provide the catalyst you need to get unstuck and achieve the fulfilling relationship that you each desire.

Many people hold back from seeking professional help because of fears or misunderstandings. Here are some facts about therapy that help to debunk some of these common myths and misconceptions:

Therapy is for everyone - A common misconception about therapy is that it is reserved for people with mental illness, individuals with an emotional disorder, or people who are too weak to handle their own problems. This could not be further from the truth. As humans, we need other humans to work through issues with us. Therapy provides a safe, confidential environment to do just that. 

Professional help is available for all types of issues, whether large or small, and in a variety of formats. Family therapy, marriage counseling, support groups, and individual sessions with a therapist are just a few examples. There is also a variety of specialties, including psychology, psychiatry, religious counseling, and much more. At the end of the day, therapy is merely a safe space to work through your family problems with the support of a trained professional.

Therapy is worth your time - Another common misconception is that therapy is a waste of time or money. You could talk to anyone, so why talk to a therapist? Therapists have special expertise gained through extensive professional training. They will not only help you talk about your family issues but will help you to develop strategies for resolving difficult situations. A family therapist can also discuss various types of issues you may be dealing with, and different options for resolution or treatment, such as new scientific approaches to treating a specific issues.

Therapy is safe - One myth about therapy is that there are risks. The risk of being judged (by the therapist or by friends and family) or the risk of being medicated. On the contrary, therapy provides a safe and confidential space to explore all options for healing. Often, professional counseling is all that is needed or desired for family conflict resolution.

Professional help can provide growth and healing for a parent, child, or an entire family, improving family dynamics and emotional health. It can provide mediation and conflict resolution within a marriage, between siblings, or any type of family relationship. Think about the type of support (such as family therapy, religious counseling, or psychiatry) that feels right for your family and seek it out.

It is true that the quality of the professional you work with can make a big difference in the outcome of your therapy. For this reason, it’s often best to seek a referral from a trusted friend or family member. If that feels uncomfortable, consider asking for a referral from your family doctor. If you’ve had a negative experience in the past, consider giving it another try, this time with a trusted referral.

Taking care of yourself and maintaining your mental health is essential when attempting to solve family issues. Maintaining positive, healthy family dynamics starts with a healthy self. Being in a healthy mental space allows you to let go of negative emotions. This, in turn, paves the way for safe and open communication between family members and helps the entire family focus on relationships. 

Not only does this place you in the right frame of mind to address family conflict, but it models a healthy example for your children to do the same. It is integral to maintaining a strong family structure that provides a sense of stability and security for children. For a parent, maintaining your mental health can provide you with the strength and perspective needed to maintain the necessary qualities of a good father and mother, such as understanding and empathy.

Taking care of yourself is often easier said than done, especially while feelings of stress, anxiety, or emotional dissatisfaction prevail. Finding a healthy outlet to decompress and let go of stress and other negative emotions can help to maintain a healthy state of mind. Choose a regular time in your schedule just for maintaining you. This could include a daily exercise routine, a therapeutic hobby (such as gardening or journaling), or a weekly therapy session. Taking care of yourself leaves you open to model healthy behavior for your children and to focus on family relationships.

Impact of Family Problems

When not addressed, family problems can have serious impacts on individual family members. Issues such as increased levels of stress and anxiety, emotional difficulties and disorders (such as depression), substance abuse, and addiction, are all likely to surface. Sometimes, these impacts carry on throughout a child’s life. Family problems can especially impact children, who are often capable of perceiving much more than one might think. Children may also perceive a problem, but not be able to fully understand it. Such misunderstandings can lead to greater issues, further affecting family dynamics and individual emotions. Where family issues exist, acknowledge the problem, and take the steps to resolution.

Solving Family Problems

Families experience a wide range of issues, some small and some large. These issues typically involve strain or conflict within family relationships. They can have lasting impacts on individual family members, especially children. Taking steps to address family issues, and seeking resolution among family relationships can ease emotions, promote mental health, and maintain a positive family culture. A family culture quiz by Kinmundo is an easy way for families to evaluate and improve the culture within their family.  

A positive family culture requires a structure built on family values that maintains a safe environment for sharing. Open communication in an environment safe from fears of judgment provides a model of stability and security for family members to acknowledge and address important issues with understanding and empathy. Creating such a culture is paramount to solving family issues when they arise.

A family that feels open and safe to share emotions, acknowledge issues, and seek help when needed can maintain positive relationships and mental health. When family members are prepared to resolve family conflict, they can reduce the lasting impacts of difficult situations and fix relationships that may seem broken.

5 Ways to Become a More Family Oriented…

how can solve family problems

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How to Deal With Family Problems

Last Updated: December 14, 2023

This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW . Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014. This article has been viewed 357,370 times.

Death, addiction, money troubles, mental illness, separation/divorce, and transitional adjustments all take a toll on the members of a family. During stressful events or when the family’s resources are severely taxed, problems may not be resolved easily. This may lead to hostile disagreements, tension, and resentment. Conflict in the family can affect everyone’s functioning. Handle your family problems by learning effective problem-solving skills.

Developing Healthy Problem-Solving

Step 1 Schedule a time to talk as a group.

  • Schedule a meeting at a time that is most convenient for everyone. Make everyone aware of the purpose of the meeting and that you want them to arrive with suggestions and solutions at the ready.
  • Be mindful that young children may be a hindrance to a family meeting. Huddle them in a separate room if you expect tempers to flair or sensitive information to be discussed.
  • Therapists often suggest holding regular family meetings. [1] X Research source This tactic enables family members to bring issues out in the open before resentments develop. Talking with your family regularly can improve communication and the bond that you share.

Step 2 Focus on the issue at hand.

  • Strive to uncover what is important about the current problem. Building a case or bringing up old misdeeds will not assist you in resolving this issue.

Step 3 Have everyone state what they truly mean.

  • Remember, you are aiming to de-escalate the conflict and work towards a solution. Using “I” statements allows everyone to express themselves while showing respect for others listening. Making an “I” statements allows each person to take ownership of what they are feeling, and suggest a remedy for the problem at the same time.
  • Examples of “I” statements include: “I am worried that our family is falling apart. I would like us to work things out.” or “I get scared when Dad drinks a lot because he starts yelling. I wish he could stop drinking”.

Step 4 Listen without interrupting.

  • Effective listening allows the other person to feel heard, motivates the other parties to want to listen to you, defuses arguments and strong emotions, and rebuilds the relationship during the conflict.

Step 5 Validate and show respect for each person’s point of view.

  • Validate your family members by saying something like “I’m really glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with me” or “I appreciate your willingness to work towards a solution”.

Step 6 Decide on a solution together.

Recognizing Communication Roadblocks

Step 1 Be aware of how different family members may react to problems.

  • For some people, conflict causes them to become hostile and defensive. This is the “fight” aspect of the physiological “fight or flight” response. These individuals may argue endlessly to remove any responsibility from themselves, or refuse to hear others’ points-of-view.
  • Others resort to the “flight” aspect. These individuals may run from conflict at all costs. They may deny there’s a problem or believe there’s nothing they can do to resolve it anyway. Such family members may pretend as if they don’t notice any tension in the household, or downplay its effect on them.

Step 2 Acknowledge but get a handle on emotions.

  • First work on trying to identify your emotions. Consider what thoughts you’re having, what you feel in your body, and what actions you want to take? For example, maybe you’re thinking “I hate this family.” Your fists are clenched and you want to punch something. Such a strong emotion could be labeled as anger or contempt.
  • Next, aim to control and ease these strong emotions so that you can effectively problem-solve. Depending on how you’re feeling participate in a complementary activity to ease your discomfort. For example, if you are sad, you might want to watch a funny movie. If you are angry, it might be helpful to vent to a friend or engage in intense physical activity.

Step 3 Resist the urge to point the finger.

  • Using “I” statements are one of the best strategies for minimizing blame and subsequent defensiveness. Say “I fear that your addiction will lead to someone getting hurt” rather than “Addicts are just dangerous people to be around”

Expert Q&A

  • Your family consists of some of the most important relationships in your life. Having continuous conflict in this area can drastically affect your life satisfaction. If you cannot resolve family issues, seek professional help. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

Tips from our Readers

  • Sometimes, creating distance by leaving is the healthiest thing you can do. Not all family members are inherently trustworthy, beautiful, or helpful, and getting some space can keep a bad problem from getting worse.
  • Understand that it is not always your fault. Don't get upset or angry if someone gets on your nerves and you didn't do anything wrong.

how can solve family problems

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Handle Problems

  • ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201209/10-tips-holding-family-meeting
  • ↑ https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/luve-a-five-step-communication-process-for-conflict-resolution/validation-is-the-third-step-to-conflict-resolution-in-luve
  • ↑ https://www.webmd.com/balance/family-therapy-6301
  • ↑ https://www.drnadig.com/conflict.htm

About This Article

Tasha Rube, LMSW

Medical Disclaimer

The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.

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Relationships Articles & More

Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matters, here's how to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection in family relationships..

Three months into the pandemic, I had the urge to see my 28-year-old daughter and her husband, 2,000 miles away. She had weathered an acute health crisis, followed by community protests that propelled them both onto the streets to serve food and clean up neighborhoods. They were coping, but the accumulation of challenges made the mom in me want to connect with and support them. So, together with my husband, my other daughter, and her husband, our family of six adults and two dogs formed a new pod inside my daughter’s home in the steamy heat of the Minneapolis summer.

As I packed, a wisp of doubt crept in. We six hadn’t lived together under the same roof, ever . Would I blow it? Would I “flap my lips,” as a friend calls it, and accidentally say something hurtful? Some time back, in a careless moment of exhaustion, I had insulted my brand-new son-in-law with a thoughtless remark. He was rightfully hurt, and it took a long letter and a phone call to get us back on track.

My own siblings and I were raised inside the intractable rupture that was my parents’ marriage. Their lifelong conflict sowed discord and division in everyone around them. I worked hard to create a different, positive family climate with my husband and our children. My old ghosts were haunting me, though, and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing. 

how can solve family problems

Yet research shows that it’s not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen—and what matters more is how you respond to them. With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect.

Disconnections are a fact of life

Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They found that it’s surprisingly little. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. The other 70%, they’re mismatched, out of synch, or making repairs and coming back together. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls.

These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. They’re important for growing children’s self-regulation, coping, and resilience. It is through these mismatches—in small, manageable doses—that babies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child’s needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child’s development. 
 “Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,” says UCLA neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel , director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology.

Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired, says Tronick , and then again become miscoordinated and stressful, and again are repaired. This occurs thousands of times in a day, and millions of times over a year.

Greater Good in Spanish

Read this article in Spanish on La Red Hispana, the public-facing media outlet and distribution house of HCN , focused on educating, inspiring, and informing 40 million U.S. Hispanics.

Other research shows that children have more conflicts and repairs with friends than non-friends. Sibling conflict is legendary; and adults’ conflicts escalate when they become parents. If interpersonal conflict is unavoidable—and even necessary—then the only way we can maintain important relationships is to get better at re-synchronizing them, and especially at tending to repairs when they rupture.

“Relationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,” says Rick Hanson , psychologist and author of several books on the neuroscience of well-being. “But a bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other,” he adds. “It says you value the relationship.”

Strengthening the family fabric

In a small Canadian study , researchers examined how parents of four- to seven-year-old children strengthened, harmed, or repaired their relationships with their children. Parents said their relationships with their children were strengthened by “horizontal” or egalitarian exchanges like playing together, negotiating, taking turns, compromising, having fun, or sharing psychological intimacy—in other words, respecting and enjoying one another. Their relationships were harmed by an over-reliance on power and authority, and especially by stonewalling tactics like the “silent treatment.” When missteps happened, parents repaired and restored intimacy by expressing warmth and affection, talking about what happened, and apologizing.

This model of strengthening, harming, and repairing can help you think about your own interactions. When a family relationship is already positive, there is a foundation of trust and a belief in the other’s good intentions, which helps everyone restore more easily from minor ruptures. For this reason, it helps to proactively tend the fabric of family relationships. 
 That can begin with simply building up an investment of positive interactions:

  • Spend “special time” with each child individually to create more space to deepen your one-to-one relationship. Let them control the agenda and decide how long you spend together.
  • Appreciate out loud, share gratitude reflections, and notice the good in your children intermittently throughout the day or week.

You also want to watch out for ways you might harm the relationship. If you’re ever unsure about a child’s motives, check their intentions behind their behaviors and don’t assume they were ill-intentioned. Language like, “I noticed that…” or “Tell me what happened…” or “And then what happened?” can help you begin to understand an experience from the child’s point of view.

A Loving Space for Kids’ Emotions

A Loving Space for Kids’ Emotions

Show love to your children by helping them process emotions

When speaking to a child, consider how they might receive what you’re saying. Remember that words and silence have weight; children are “ emotional Geiger counters ” and read your feelings much more than they process your words. If you are working through feelings or traumas that have nothing to do with them, take care to be responsible for your own feelings and take a moment to calm yourself before speaking.

In this context of connection and understanding, you can then create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed:

  • Watch for tiny bids for repairs . Sometimes we have so much on our minds that we miss the look, gesture, or expression in a child that shows that what they really want is to reconnect.
  • Normalize requests like “I need a repair” or “Can we have a redo?” We need to be able to let others know when the relationship has been harmed.
  • Likewise, if you think you might have stepped on someone’s toes, circle back to check. Catching a misstep early can help.

When you’re annoyed by a family member’s behavior, try to frame your request for change in positive language; that is, say what you want them to do rather than what you don’t. Language like, “I have a request…” or “Would you be willing to…?” keeps the exchange more neutral and helps the recipient stay engaged rather than getting defensive.

You can also model healthy repairs with people around you, so they are normalized and children see their usefulness in real time. Children benefit when they watch adults resolve conflict constructively.


Four steps to an authentic repair

There are infinite varieties of repairs, and they can vary in a number of ways, depending on your child’s age and temperament, and how serious the rift was.

Infants need physical contact and the restoration of love and security. Older children need affection and more words. Teenagers may need more complex conversations. Individual children vary in their styles—some need more words than others, and what is hurtful to one child may not faze another child. Also, your style might not match the child’s, requiring you to stretch further.

Some glitches are little and may just need a check-in, but deeper wounds need more attention. Keep the apology in proportion to the hurt. What’s important is not your judgment of how hurt someone should be, but the actual felt experience of the child’s hurt. A one-time apology may suffice, but some repairs need to be acknowledged frequently over time to really stitch that fabric back together. It’s often helpful to check in later to see if the amends are working.

While each repair is unique, authentic repairs typically involve the same steps.

1. Acknowledge the offense. First, try to understand the hurt you caused. It doesn’t matter if it was unintentional or what your reasons were. This is the time to turn off your own defense system and focus on understanding and naming the other person’s pain or anger.

Sometimes you need to check your understanding. Begin slowly: “Did I hurt you? Help me understand how.” This can be humbling and requires that we listen with an open heart as we take in the other person’s perspective.

Try not to undermine the apology by adding on any caveats, like blaming the child for being sensitive or ill-behaved or deserving of what happened. Any attempt to gloss over, minimize, or dilute the wound is not an authentic repair. Children have a keen sense for authenticity. Faking it or overwhelming them will not work.

A spiritual teacher reminded me of an old saying, “It is acknowledging the wound that gets the thorn out.” It’s what reconnects our humanity.

Making an Effective Apology

Making an Effective Apology

A good apology involves more than saying "sorry"

2. Express remorse. Here, a sincere “I’m sorry” is sufficient.

Don’t add anything to it. One of the mistakes adults often make, according to therapist and author Harriet Lerner , is to tack on a discipline component: “Don’t let it happen again,” or “Next time, you’re really going to get it.” This, says Lerner, is what prevents children from learning to use apologies themselves. 
 Apologizing can be tricky for adults. It might feel beneath us, or we may fear that we’re giving away our power. We shouldn’t have to apologize to a child, because as adults we are always right, right? Of course not. But it’s easy to get stuck in a vertical power relationship to our child that makes backtracking hard.

On the other hand, some adults—especially women, says Rick Hanson —can go overboard and be too effusive, too obsequious, or even too quick in their efforts to apologize. This can make the apology more about yourself than the person who was hurt. Or it could be a symptom of a need for one’s own boundary work.   

There is no perfect formula for an apology except that it be delivered in a way that acknowledges the wound and makes amends. And there can be different paths to that. Our family sometimes uses a jokey, “You were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong,” to playfully acknowledge light transgressions. Some apologies are nonverbal: My father atoned for missing all of my childhood birthdays when he traveled 2,000 miles to surprise me at my doorstep for an adult birthday. Words are not his strong suit, but his planning, effort, and showing up was the repair. Apologies can take on all kinds of tones and qualities.

3. Consider offering a brief explanation. If you sense that the other person is open to listening, you can provide a brief explanation of your point of view, but use caution, as this can be a slippery slope. Feel into how much is enough. The focus of the apology is on the wounded person’s experience. If an explanation helps, fine, but it shouldn’t derail the intent. This is not the time to add in your own grievances—that’s a conversation for a different time.

4. Express your sincere intention to fix the situation and to prevent it from happening again. With a child, especially, try to be concrete and actionable about how the same mistake can be prevented in the future. “I’m going to try really hard to…” and “Let’s check back in to see how it’s feeling…” can be a start.

Remember to forgive yourself, too. This is a tender process, we are all works in progress, and adults are still developing. I know I am.

Prior to our visit, my daughter and I had a phone conversation. We shared our excitement about the rare chance to spend so much time together. Then we gingerly expressed our concerns.

 “I’m afraid we’ll get on each other’s nerves,” I said.

“I’m afraid I’ll be cooking and cleaning the whole time,” she replied.

So we strategized about preventing these foibles. She made a spreadsheet of chores where everyone signed up for a turn cooking and cleaning, and we discussed the space needs that people would have for working and making phone calls.

Then I drew a breath and took a page from the science. “I think we have to expect that conflicts are going to happen,” I said. “It’s how we work through them that will matter. The love is in the repair.”

This article is excerpted from a longer article on Diana Divecha’s blog, developmentalscience.com.

About the Author

Diana divecha.

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and on the advisory board of the Greater Good Science Center. Her blog is developmentalscience.com .

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Tips for Dealing With Family Conflict

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

how can solve family problems

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

how can solve family problems

Rob Lewine/Creative RF/Getty Images

While family relationships can bring support, joy, and other wonderful benefits into our lives, these relationships can also bring stress, particularly when there's unresolved conflict. Because it's more difficult to let go of conflicted relationships with family than it would be if these relationships were mere friendships, unresolved conflicts with family members can be particularly painful.

We have certain expectations of trust and closeness toward family members. It can be more than merely disappointing to realize that this may not be possible with all family members.

At a Glance

Family gatherings can be a source of stress if you're dealing with unresolved family conflicts that create tension, anger, or arguments. Such conflicts are painful and can make it more difficult to trust.

If you are struggling with how to deal with such situations, focus on staying polite. Talking about the problem (calmly and respectfully) may help, but there are also times when you just have to forgive, forget, or even minimize how much time you spend around the other person.

Why Dealing With Family Conflict Is So Stressful

Unresolved family conflicts bring additional stress, particularly at family gatherings. Past unresolved conflicts can become the elephant in the room, felt by everyone but not directly addressed. This can be stressful for everyone before and during the family gatherings, sometimes leaving a lasting sense of stress afterward. 

Family is often a source of support but can also be a source of distress. Research has found that intrusive or controlling family relationships can lead to stress and resentment.

Family Conflict Interferes With Trust

Without a heartfelt discussion, an apology, or another form of resolution, the trust on both sides is compromised , and they may not know what to expect from this person in the future.

For example, the time your mother-in-law criticized your cooking may come up in your mind every time she visits, and others may sense your tension.

Reminders Can Still Hurt

This leads many people to assume the worst when they interpret each other's behavior rather than giving the benefit of the doubt like most of us do with people we trust. Also, references or reminders of past conflicts can sting and create new pain.

Once a conflict has gone on a while, even if both parties move on and remain polite, the feelings of pain and mistrust usually linger under the surface, and are difficult to resolve.

Bringing up old hurts to resolve them can often backfire. At the same time, avoiding the issue altogether but holding onto resentment can poison feelings in the present.

Coping With Conflict at Family Meetings

So what do you do at a family gathering when there's someone there with whom you've had an unresolved conflict? Just be polite.

Contrary to how many feel, a family gathering is not the time to rehash old conflicts, as such conversations often get messy before they get resolved— if they get resolved.

Be polite, redirect conversations into areas that may cause conflict, and try to avoid the person as much as possible.

Even if everyone else fails to follow this advice, if you are able to focus on handling your end of the conflict in a peaceful way, you can go a long way in minimizing battles at family gatherings and promoting peace.

You may be surprised by how much of a difference this can make in the overall feel of your family get-togethers and your personal feelings and stress level leading up to them. 

How to Deal With Family Conflict

In the future, you can take one of three paths.

Try to Resolve the Conflict

At a time when all the family isn't gathered, ask the person if they'd like to discuss and resolve what happened between you. If (and only if) you and the other person seem to want to resolve things and are open to seeing one another's point of view, this could be a constructive idea.

Seeing where each of you may have misunderstood the other or behaved in a way you would change if you could, offering sincere apologies , and in other ways resolving the conflict can heal the relationship for the future.

Forgive and Forget

If it looks like such a civil meeting of the minds is unlikely, don't push it. It's probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go.

Forgiving doesn't mean opening yourself up to feel wronged again; it only means that you let go of your feelings of resentment and anger.

Forgiving past hurts can be challenging, but research suggests it can play an important role in mental health. Research suggests it can reduce anxiety, depression, and stress.

You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without actively harboring resentment, and you'll be the one to benefit the most.

Minimize or Cut Off Contact

If what the other person did was abusive and there's absolutely no remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you can severely limit your dealings with this person or cut off contact altogether .

This is typically a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it's sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health.

Cutting off contact with a family member can be tough, but sometimes it's necessary. Research has shown that for many, it can be the right choice. In one study, 80% of those who had ended a relationship with a family member said that the decision positively affected their life and well-being.

What This Means For You

Dealing with family conflict can create stress, especially if unresolved issues come up during family gatherings. Be polite in family meetings, but maintain your boundaries. Talking it out might help, or you might opt to move on or cut them out of your life. The key is to manage the situation in a way that doesn't produce unnecessary stress, conflict, and additional hurt.

Widmer ED, Girardin M, Ludwig C. Conflict structures in family networks of older adults and their relationship with health-related quality of life .  J Fam Issues . 2018;39(6):1573-1597. doi:10.1177/0192513X17714507

Leo K, Leifker FR, Baucom DH, Baucom BRW. Conflict management and problem solving as relationship maintenance . In: Ogolsky BG, Monk JK, eds.  Relationship Maintenance: Theory, Process, and Context. Advances in Personal Relationships . Cambridge: Cambridge University Press; 2019:194-214. doi:10.1017/9781108304320.011

Weir K.  Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health.   American Psychological Association  2017:48(1) 30.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM.  Forgiveness, stress, and health: A 5-week dynamic parallel process study . Ann Behav Med . 2016;50(5):727–735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

Blake L.  Parents and children who are estranged in adulthood: a review and discussion of the literature: review and discussion of the estrangement literature .  J Fam Theory Rev . 2017;9(4):521-536. doi:10.1111/jftr.12216

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Dealing with Difficult Family Relationships

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Understanding family relationships

Building closer family bonds, getting along with adult relatives, improving relationships with your adult children, reclaiming your adult siblings, improving relationships with your extended family, tips to improve family relationships.

Looking to improve your relationships with your family members? Learn how emotional intelligence (EQ) is your most effective tool for overcoming rifts and strengthening bonds.

how can solve family problems

There’s nothing like family. The people we’re related to by blood and marriage are expected to be our closest allies, our greatest sources of love and support. Too often, however, our interactions with family are filled with misunderstanding and resentment, bickering and badgering. Those we should know and be known by best, end up feeling like adversaries or strangers.

Family is where our first and strongest emotional memories are made, and that’s where they keep appearing. And this is why emotional intelligence (EQ) succeeds where other efforts at family harmony fail. Active awareness and empathy—the ability to be aware, accepting, and permanently attuned to ourselves and others—tells us how to respond to one another’s needs.

EQ is incredibly powerful in the family because it puts you in control of your relationships with parents and children, siblings, in-laws and extended family. When you know how you feel, you can’t be manipulated by other’s emotions; nor can you blame family conflict on everyone else. Most of the techniques for improving family relationships are therefore centered on communicating your feelings to those you care about, as close relationships are centered around feeling.

Without this emotional intimacy, family contact becomes a burden, because no one is comfortable spending that much time with a stranger. If you want your family members to know and accept each other lovingly, you have to begin with your own emotional honesty and openness. When you do, the suggestions offered below are transformed from familiar reasonable advice, to highly effective methods for bringing your family ever closer.

10 tips for improving family relationships

  • Take care of your health if you hope to take care of anyone else . The more demanding of your time your family is, the more you need to fit in exercise. Perhaps you and your family can seek out ways to exercise together.
  • Listen if you expect to be heard . Lack of communication is the loudest complaint in most families. The answer to “Why won’t they listen to me?” may be simply “You’re not listening to them.”
  • Teach emotional choice . Manage your moods by letting all feelings be OK, but not all behaviors. Model behavior that respects and encourages the feelings and rights of others yet make it clear that we have a choice about what to do with what we feel.
  • Teach generosity by receiving as well as giving . Giving and receiving are parts of the same loving continuum. If we don’t give, we find it hard to receive, and if we can’t receive, we don’t really have much to give. This is why selflessness carried to extremes is of little benefits to others.
  • Take responsibility for what you communicate silently . The very young and old are especially sensitive to nonverbal cues. More than our words, tone of voice, posture (body language), and facial expressions convey our feelings. We have to listen to our tone of voice and look at ourselves in pictures and in the mirror to assess our emotional congruency. Loving words coming through clenched teeth don’t feel loving—they feel confusing.
  • Don’t try to solve problems for your loved ones . Caring for your family doesn’t mean taking charge of their problems, giving unsolicited advice, or protecting them from their own emotions. Let them know their own strengths and allow them to ask you for what they need.
  • Make a lasting impression through actions . Your values will be communicated by your actions, no matter what you say. Be an example, not a nag.
  • Acknowledge your errors to everyone , including younger family members. Saying you’re sorry when you hurt someone you love, models humility and emotional integrity. You can demonstrate that no one is perfect, but everyone can learn at any age. Apologizing proves you can forgive yourself and makes it easier to forgive others.
  • Discover what each person’s unique needs are . You can’t assume that your grandmother needs the same signs of love as your three-year-old or that either one will have the same needs next year. When in doubt, ask!
  • Be generous in expressing love . Everyone in a family (especially young children) needs the emotional reassurance of loving words, gestures, and looks. Those who demand the least emotional attention may need it most.

Look to yourself first . A family is a system made up of interdependent individuals, but that doesn’t mean you can blame your family of origin for the way you are today, any more than you can hold your mate and children responsible for your personal happiness. Your best hope for fixing any family problem is to attend your own emotional health. When you act on the belief that you have a right and obligation to assert your own emotional needs, your family will notice that your emotional independence benefits not only you, but the whole family, and they may quickly follow your lead.

Remember that consistency builds trust. Studies have shown that lack of consistency destroys trust. Off-and-on emotional awareness will cause those who love and depend on you, especially children, to get confused and frightened. That’s why it’s so important to keep your awareness active with family.

Recognize that being close doesn’t mean being clones. Sometimes family ties blind us to the uniqueness of those we love. Pride in the family continuum can make it easy to forget that. You can’t be expected to have the same talents as your siblings, even though you may look a lot alike; that you won’t necessarily choose to follow in parent’s footsteps; or that you and your spouse should spend all your leisure time joined at the hip just because you’re married.

Remember that knowing people all your life doesn’t mean understanding them. “I knew you when…” doesn’t mean I know you now, no matter how much I’ve always loved you. We all change, and yet each of us seems to only see change in ourselves. How infuriating is it to be introduced as someone’s kid brother when you’re fifty-five, or to be perpetually treated as the airhead you were at fourteen despite the fact that you’re now CEO of your own company. Now that you’ve acquired empathy , you can gently steer your family away from stagnant patterns of interaction by modeling the attention you’d like to receive. When you’re with your family, don’t automatically seek the conversational refuge of talking over old times. Ask what’s new and show that you really care by eliciting details and then listening with your body and mind.

Watch out for destructive emotional memories. Catching your thirty-year-old self responding to a parent in the voice of the five-year-old you can make you feel weak and frustrated. With EQ you don’t need to keep getting snared by emotional memories. Whenever you feel out of control with family—whether it’s kicking yourself for acting like a kid with your parents or agonizing over where the anger you’re dumping on your innocent spouse and children is coming from—take a moment to reflect on the memories that are imposing on your behavior today.

Cherish every stage of life in each family member. No matter how well we understand that it can’t happen, we desperately want Mom and Dad to stay the way they are, and for the kids to stay home forever. The best to accept that fact emotionally, is to embrace change. Accept the natural fear that your parents’ aging evokes but use your emotional awareness and empathy to figure out how you can cherish this moment for its unique qualities. What can you and your parents share now that wasn’t possible in the past? Can you keep having fun and make sure everyone still feels useful and worthy in the family support system, even though roles and responsibilities must be altered?

If you’re not sure what will work, ask. Fully accepting your fear of change can make it easier to broach subjects that you may have considered awkward in the past. Maybe your parents are just waiting for your cue. Feel them out. In a flexible, healthy family dynamic, change is just one of the many opportunities you have to enrich one another.

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Two elements threaten harmonious relations with parents and adult siblings, in-laws and adult children: lack of time and an abundance of emotional memories. The two add up to the fear that we’ll be overwhelmed by each other’s needs, giving up ourselves if we give anything to these adult relatives. We do need to invest time in figuring out what our parents want most from us, sustaining close friendships with brothers and sisters, and gathering together without fulfilling every bad joke ever written about contentious, selfish families.

But emotional intelligence gives us so much energy and creativity that the demands of these relationships don’t need to be heavy. We recognize change as it occurs in individuals by recognizing emotional memories when they’re triggered. Keep your EQ strong, and your adult family encounters are no longer dominated by cleaning up after mistakes and managing crises that have already resulted in disaster.

Many parents are dismayed to find that they can’t just sit back and enjoy the fruits of their labor once they’ve successfully guided their children into adulthood. No relationship stands still. The key to a successful ongoing relationship with your grown children is your ability to deal with the change and growth that comes before role reversal. You have to keep the lines of emotional communication open; your children may be wrapped up in career, love, and friendships at this stage in their lives. Let them know how you feel and what you need from them.

If you’ve only recently raised your EQ, of course, you may have some amending to do, some changes to make in your style of interaction with your children. Do they avoid you because you force advice or your own choices on them? Do you bring more disappointment and judgement to the relationship than they can tolerate? Have you listened empathically to how your children feel about their choices? Or have you tried to find out what their unique needs are? Some adult children keep their distance because they feel injured by past experiences with you; in that case the only way to improve the relationships is to stick to these tips—listen to their hurt and admit you were wrong. Here are a few ways to bridge the gap:

  • Find out why it’s so hard to accept your children’s choices when they’re different from your own. Use the hot buttons exploration described above, but ask yourself why you feel so strongly about this issue, why you need to be in control, and why you can’t accept their right to make independent choices?
  • Tap into the power of apology. It’s never too late to say, “I’m sorry, I wish I could have been a better parent,” “I wish I had done things differently,” or “You deserved better than I gave.” Heartfelt words of sadness and regret become particularly powerful in a letter—as long as the letter is given as a gift without expectations about what it will bring in return. It may bring nothing except the knowledge that you have done your best to right past wrongs. You may also wish to ask if there is any way that you can make amends.
  • Explore what you expect from each other. If your estranged child is willing, each of you should make a list of no more than seven items on the subject of what you want and need from each other and what you think the other wants and needs from you. Now compare lists and see how close each of you comes to meeting the other’s needs.

If your child is unwilling or you’re unwilling to ask, you can still do this exercise on your own. Fill out the list for yourself, then move to another chair or position and fill out a list as you think your adult child would. Now compare. Is what your adult child needs different from what you’re offering? Have you failed to recognize how the child has changed?

In high-EQ families, brothers and sisters divide up responsibilities for aging parents and look forward to occasions to get all the generations together, because they all now their limits and their talents and how to convey them. Unfortunately, this is not an accurate portrait of many adult sibling relationships because too often history intervenes. Maybe your parents didn’t provide the type of love and support your brother needed as well as they did for you. Maybe childhood memories trigger too much resentment, jealousy, and rivalry. Maybe it just hurt too much when the sister who knew you so well didn’t care enough to notice how you’ve changed over the years.

Whatever the problem, you can use any of the ideas in this article to renew your relationship. If you have the time, you can also try reconnecting by going away together where you will both be comfortable and undisturbed. Try an unstructured setting and use your time together to send a lot of “I feel” messages. Clarify that in expressing yourself you’re not asking your sibling to change. When your sibling responds, make sure you listen with your body, not with retorts prepared in your head.

If your sibling is hard to reach, and an outing won’t work, can you reconnect by soliciting help in a way that acknowledges his or her unique talents? Think about ways you can make your sibling feel uniquely needed.

How are your relationships with your extended family—those you’re related to by marriage or through looser blood ties? Strained because you’re trying to form family bonds without the emotional history to make them stick? Or smooth because they don’t come with the emotional baggage that your immediate family of origin drags around? Either is possible in any individual relationship. How difficult one of these relationships is may depend on how important it is to you and how long you’ve been at it. Getting along with a brand-new mother-in-law, therefore mother, has left unpleasant emotional memories. On the other hand, it’s probably a snap to be cordial to the cousin you see only at holiday gatherings.

How good and how deep your relationships are with extended family will depend largely on what you want them to be. We feel guilty if we resent our own parents, but there’s nothing that says we have to love our in-laws, so many people don’t feel obligated to make a huge effort. Simply extend the same empathy to your extended family as you would to anyone else you encounter, and that means accepting the broad range of differences that’s bound to exists so you can find the common points of connection.

If you’re also willing to listen with empathy no matter who is speaking, admit error, and watch the nonverbal cues you send, you stand a pretty good chance of becoming everyone’s favorite niece, cherished uncle, or model in-law. Assuming you haven’t yet achieved that state, here are a few tips to make extended-family relationships rewarding.

Remember that you don’t have to like everyone equally.

Sometimes, even when you make your most open-hearted efforts, you end up disliking a relative or an in-law. Examine how much your own baggage keeps you from appreciating this person. Then accept your feelings and interact with the person only to the extent that you remain comfortable. You may find that removing the stress of seeing him or her under that pressure opens your heart a crack wider.

If you can only ask loaded questions, don’t say anything at all.

Research has shown that the emotional message is 90 percent of what people get from any communication , and that’s why it’s important to be emotionally aware of what your motives are, and to take responsibility for what you convey through gestures and expressions, as well as words. Too often we don’t say what we mean because we’re afraid to take responsibility for the feelings that motivate us. So, we manipulate people by making offers that beg to be refused or by saying we don’t mind when we do and then resenting the perceived offender. If you can’t be emotionally honest with your extended family, go somewhere else.

Adapted from Raising Your Emotional Intelligence: A Hands-on Program for Harnessing the Power of Your Instincts and Emotions by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

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Feeling — Family Problems

Common family problems.

Two children are bickering while their dad looks discouraged in the background.

Marcy Willard

Ph.D., NCSP

Last modified 29 Nov 2023

Published 22 Mar 2022

Concerned about common family problems?

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This article was written with significant contributions from Chesleigh Keene, Ph.D., researcher and counseling psychologist at the University of Arizona.

What are Family Conflicts in Childhood?

Family conflicts in childhood are challenges that harm the household.

These challenges lead to difficulty with the family’s communication and trust. The household no longer feels in harmony.

Most families encounter disagreements or difficult interactions. Some level of tension or disagreement is a normal part of family life. These moments are less likely to be detrimental when family members stay calm. Letting the small things go and staying calm in the face of conflict reduces the negative impact.

Symptoms of Family Problems in Childhood and Teenage Years

  • Yelling and screaming: your child is constantly arguing and fighting with other family members 
  • Withdrawing from family: your child has withdrawn from the family, spending most of the day, almost every day, alone or away from home
  • Frequent calls from school: your child is regularly calling to come home from school, or you are receiving many calls from the principal’s office or guidance counselor about concerning behavior
  • Getting into frequent fights: your child is fighting with family members, friends, or people at school . Family arguments may have become the norm in your household. It may seem like every little thing you say turns into an argument
  • Acting out behavior: your child is frequently making poor choices that are negatively impacting the family
  • Everyone in the family is angry with each other: your child, along with others in the family system, are no longer talking with each other, or when you are talking, it is argumentative and hurtful. This pattern of relationship conflict may be extremely trying for everyone in the home to manage
  • A sudden shift in behavior, engagement, or school work: your child who was doing just fine begins to get in trouble, stops turning in assignments, or gets poor grades.  These are signs that your child is either struggling personally or that there is dysfunction in your household

Causes of Family Problems in Childhood and Teenage Years

Family problems arise from various issues within or outside of the family. Common reasons for family problems center on major events or traumas, such as death, divorce, life transitions, or medical/behavioral health.

“A good way to understand the family system is to consider the family in terms of gears and cogs in a machine. Each cog is functionally important and necessary for the whole system to work. The whole family is affected by the action of one member, and the whole family can affect a single member.”

  • Psychological problem: in a family, any mental health issue, including substance use, anxiety, and depression, can wreak havoc on the system
  • Oppositional behavior: in a family, a child with extreme temper tantrums, frequent meltdowns, bad attitude, or rule-breaking behavior will impact the family system dramatically
  • Relational problems between parents: in a family, when children witness parents engaged in constant arguing, the family system is dramatically impacted. In this case, the most important thing the parents can do is to do their own work. Couples therapy or group therapy may help the parents deal with unresolved feelings or resentment
  • Relational problems between parents and kids: in a family, the relationship between each parent and child can be the source of mental health problems and developmental trauma. Parents need to know that the top-down, punishing approaches that we may have learned as kids are shown in the research to be ineffective and often damaging. To learn more about how to approach discipline with firm boundaries and love, Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a modern-day expert on this topic [1-3]
  • Disapproving of a child’s choices: in a family, common challenges that lead to conflict with choices include moving away, staying home for college, partner choices, concerns about one family member’s lifestyle, or life choices. This often comes up with extended family members or grandparents who disapprove of your child’s choices. Perhaps your child is going in a different direction than is accepted by the family. This can cause a great deal of relationship conflict
  • Significant needs: in a family, if a member is battling mental illness or disability, they may feel the burden of having a behavioral or emotional problem. This family member may not feel understood or accepted.  Other members of the family may not understand the psychological issues and may feel annoyed or angry that that person requires more attention from parents or receives more family resources (monetary, affection, or time)
  • Addiction to substances: in a family, the significance of the effect of alcohol addiction or drug problems on a family system cannot be overstated. Observing an alcoholic or constantly high family member can unknowingly teach children poor coping strategies, maladaptive belief systems, patterns of relational aggression, and lack of motivation. Families facing addiction are tasked with making tough yet critical decisions to create a healthy and peaceful home. Debra Jay at Love First.net is a recommended expert coach who guides families on how to take action against addiction with persistence and love. [4-7]
  • Teen substance use: in a family, if any member uses drugs or drinks heavily, there will be problems. As parents, it is disconcerting to learn that your teenager is experimenting with substances. However, not all teens who try drugs will become addicted. The important factor in addiction is genetics. Because there is no way to know in advance if a teenager will become addicted, it is important to learn the signs of addiction and know how to take action. [4-7]
  • Major events: in a family, divorce, adoption, relocation, death , and catastrophic events can cause understandable disturbances in our lives. While our families are a cohesive system, each individual has their own personality, lived experience, and coping skills. These changes may cause different types of distress in each member of the family system.

Changing roles in the family

In a family, we all age and grow out of our old habits, clothes, and behaviors. Sometimes when one family member has played their role for so long and decides to make a change, it can affect the whole system. This change can occur when someone stops bad habits and becomes healthy or starts new bad habits. 

For example, if one parent was an alcoholic and embarks on a recovery process, the other family members may feel abandoned or insecure in the relationship. The substance played a significant role in your family’s life and now that has changed. Although this can be a great success for the family, it also changes the dynamic.

New behaviors

The straight-A student may start hanging around with a rough crowd and getting into trouble. This change shakes the system because everyone knew how to accommodate this person as they were. Families struggle when ill members get well, when addicts get better, when quiet, shy members become lively, and when stay-at-home parents return to work. 

In a family, it is common for one person to change their views or interests. It could be that the dad and son had a common interest in cars. As the son moves into the teen years, he loses interest in cars and is into playing metal music in a band. This may change the relationship because they no longer share this common ground. This also may be a shared interest in sports. It may be that the dad loves basketball and the son has no interest in team sports. 

This difficulty relating to others’ views in the home is a common problem for families. These are issues that can be worked through, but it is important to notice that it can be a challenge for families as interests change. It may be necessary for the parents to make some effort to acknowledge and accommodate the child’s changing interests. Families are healthier when they are more flexible as people change and grow.

New family structure

A very common issue that comes up in families is a new family structure. It could be that mom was married and then became a single mom. Or it could be that mom or dad has a remarriage after a divorce.  It could be that mom got remarried to a woman. It could be that newly adopted children have become a part of the family. It could be that there are foster children who have joined the family. There is nothing wrong with families growing and blended families joining together. Just keep in mind that your children may have a very hard time adapting to so much change. Your child’s emotional needs may grow more intense as these family structures change.

Sometimes, family members adjust to their new roles or a family member’s new role with ease. Other times, the adjustment is difficult, and a psychologist or family therapist can help the whole family adapt and share their struggles in accepting the new roles.

What to Do About Family Problems in Childhood or Teenage Years

If you suspect your family is encountering serious problems, then first and foremost, you should consult a psychologist or family therapist. Online therapy might be a good option that matches a family’s busy and diverse schedules. It is important to prioritize help. Here are some ideas you can try to improve your family’s functioning.

  • DO adjust the schedule : in a family, adding consistency to the schedule can help children cope with changes. It is also a way to make sure quality time together is on the calendar. Make time for family therapy in everyone’s calendar if you determine it is what’s best for your family
  • DO make time for conversations : in a family, it is important to discuss problems openly. Setting aside time to discuss how a child is handling changes and to share your own experiences helps the process be less scary and unknown
  • DO allow for the uncomfortable topics: Make it okay in your home to talk about virtually anything that your child wants to share. This may include substance abuse, sex, religious differences, spirituality, gender or sexual orientation, and politics. When certain topics are ‘off limits,’ kids tend to get secretive and feel ashamed of their thoughts and feelings. When you allow these hard conversations to happen, you make it safe for kids to share their deepest concerns and beliefs
  • DON’T ‘put it off’: in a family’s day, there are many distractions and schedule changes. However, especially in teenagers, we find that they will come to their parents at odd times of the day to share about their lives. As a parent, it is very important not to miss your window. If you are about to run out the door and your child is just itching to tell you something, try to stop what you are doing and listen
  • DO schedule positive time : in a family, no matter what, it is important to have positive time together. Ending the day positively can be very therapeutic. Even if arguments or disagreements happened earlier, setting aside a regular time to enjoy your child and family time can be a great way to reset and can serve as a reminder of how important everyone is to each other
  • DO lighten up: in a family, there can be a lot of emotion, which can be stressful. Do not expect your kids to be happy, successful, and productive all the time. Allow your child to travel their own authentic journey and to stumble and fall, just like you have. Give your child love, support, and patience as they come into their own as individuals. A great resource for learning to do this is proposed by Dr. Shefali Tsabary in the Awakened Family book and lectures . [1-3]
  • DO celebrate the good times: in a family, life will often have many ups and downs. Remember that this pattern is normal. When your kiddos have a success day, celebrate. Did your daughter make the honor roll? Did your formerly struggling math student get an A on a test? Did your shy son try out for the school play? Take the time to celebrate these ‘wins.’
  • DO process the bad times: in a family, taking time to process experiences can help everyone remember that you are a special unit that can solve problems together. It is okay for your kids to know that you don’t always have it all together or know exactly what to do in each situation. Your humility and vulnerability can go a long way to heal the wounds that families will inevitably experience . As you express your feelings openly, your children learn that it is okay to share their feelings too
  • DON’T ignore warning signs: in a family, there are so many things to worry about and it can be tempting to just ‘let things go.’ If your teenager is spending too much time alone, losing focus on their goals, and missing out on important events, pay attention. These are signs of depression or addiction that may require your help [4-7]
  • DO seek individual support: in a family, if one member is dealing with a mental health challenge, addiction, or illness, it is important that they get individual support and treatment. Family therapy may be a good supplemental treatment to engage in as a whole family in addition to that individual treatment 
  • DO pay attention to sibling rivalry : in a family, some degree of sibling rivalry is normal. However, you do not want to allow for violence or abuse in your home. This is particularly an issue when you have one sibling who is much larger or much older than the other. Be in the lookout to make sure all your kids are safe at home
  • DO get help for abuse : in a family, if a member is being abused, get help immediately. Most communities have walk-in crisis centers where families can go to get help. If there is domestic violence, resources are available .
  • DO model and guide your children: in a family, it is healthy to model and guide your children about healthy lifestyle choices. Children need guidance, nurturing, and modeling from infancy to young adulthood. As children grow, they need to have more freedom over their lifestyle choices. However, when children are using drugs , for example, you do need to step in and help your child. Children need a balance between boundaries and knowing they are loved and supported. 

When to Seek Help for Family Challenges 

Sometimes, families can get through major events relying on each other and each member’s personal strength. Other times, families suffer under these extra burdens. When family members are resilient, perhaps due to a fairly healthy life before the significant event, it may be possible to navigate tough times more naturally.

However, in an already stressed-out system, one major event may be enough to knock down the whole house of cards. If major events have happened to your family and it seems that problems have worsened or just persisted because of a major event, a psychologist or family therapist can offer support to your family.

Sometimes, family problems around a major event are immediate; other times, they are delayed. In any case, seeking the aid of a professional can help your family process the major event and reestablish the working system.

Professional Resources on Family Challenges

If your child is struggling with this symptom to the point that it is getting in the way of their learning, relationships, or happiness, the following professionals could help; they may offer diagnosis, treatment, or both.

  • Psychotherapist or play therapist : to treat emotional or behavioral health symptoms in an individual family member
  • Family therapist: to meet with the family and work on overall goals and communication
  • ABA therapist : to treat behavior; can conduct an analytical Functional Analysis of the function of behavior that can help guide treatment. Comes to the home and can help with behavioral dynamics of siblings and how parents respond to challenging moments and conflicts
  • Psychologist or neuropsychologist : to consider a full assessment to look at symptoms in mental health and behavioral contexts. If one or more family members are struggling with something more significant than just family communication

Similar Conditions to Family Problems

If your child is struggling with a similar problem not directly addressed in this section, see the list below for information about other related symptom areas.

  • Attachment : When great upheaval occurs in a family, children may struggle to form those essential primary attachments to caregivers. This struggle can lead to disordered attachment and lots of emotional and behavioral challenges in children
  • Death & bereavement: Loss is a very unsettling experience and can affect the whole family. This stressor can disturb normal family dynamics, but as each member processes their grief, things should return to normal. If grief persists for one or more member, it can be helpful to seek therapy
  • Divorce: While the decision is made between the adults in the family, divorce affects children and relatives. Divorce has some obvious impacts, but some families make it through divorce with minimal impact. If your family is struggling to adjust, therapy can be helpful
  • Emotion regulation : When a child experiences turmoil at home, it is very common for them to become overly emotional and have poor coping skills
  • Noncompliance : When family problems exist, it is common for kids to act out either at home or at school, or both

Resources on Family Problems in Childhood

[1] Shefali Tsabary (May, 2016). The Awakened Family : A Revolution in Parenting.

[2] Shefali Tsabary (Nov, 2012). Conscious Parenting Tedx . 

[3] Mark Hyman MD (Oct, 2018). The Doctor’s Farmacy. The Awakened Family with Shefali Tsabary . Farmacy podcast. 

Resources on family problems related to addiction

  • Love First.net : A site with resources for recovery and intervention for family members who are serious about taking action against addiction. From the authors referenced throughout this article (Jeff Jay and Debra Jay) [4]
  • Charlie Health : an affordable online treatment program for teens, young adults and families. Counselors are available 24/7 (866-540-1828) [5]
  • Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation: (800-257-7810) Nonprofit chemical dependency treatment center with an emphasis on child and family issues [6]
  • Sustain Recovery : Adolescent treatment and long-term recovery residential placement in southern california. Includes ocean adventures. Uses a 12 step model. [4]
  • Alcoholics Anonymous . Welcomes anyone who wishes to stop drinking [7]

Coaching options for your family  

  • Next Level Recovery : Offers life coaching, family coaching, and recovery coaching (919-428-0048)
  • 360 Transitions : Offers case management, collaboration with local therapists, transitioning of learned skills from rehab into the home environment, daily texting and conferencing with the child

Rehab programs for teenagers

  • Turnbridge residential treatment center : a holistic long-term treatment center for teens and adults. This recovery model encourages development of self-empowerment, fitness, physical health, mental health, academics, and career planning
  • Family First Adolescent Services: a residential program for teenage boys in a non-traditional, non-hospital, homey style setting. Therapy is combined with ocean kayaking, deep-sea fishing, trampoline, and other healthy thrills to develop relationships with staff and foster self-esteem. This program uses the Neuroaffective Relational Model (NARM) to address developmental traumas that may influence a teen’s addiction and recovery

Resources if family problems are related to abuse or domestic violence 

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Child Abuse Hotline

When dad hurts mom: Helping your children heal the wound of witnessing abuse. 

Resources for kids 

Holmes, M Margret (2000) A terrible thing happened.

Brian, Rachel (2020) Consent (for Kids!): Boundaries, Respect, and Being in Charge of YOU

Consent for kids video

Further resources on family problems

Hanh, T.N. (2014). The Art of Communicating.  New York, New York: Harper Collins Publishing.  

Napier, A., & Whitaker, C. (1988) The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy. New York, New York: Perrenial Library.

Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (2012) How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk. New York, New York: Scribner Publishing.

Remen, R.N. (2006). Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. New York, New York. Amazon : The Berkley Publishing Group.

Winfrey, Oprah & Perry, Bruce (2021). What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing 

Lawrence Heller. Healing developmental trauma: How early trauma affects self-regulation, self image, and the capacity for relationships

Jay Debra (2021). It takes a family: Creating lasting sobriety, togetherness, and happiness

Stats from NIAA

  • “In 2015, 26.9 percent of people ages 18 or older reported that they engaged in binge drinking in the past month
  • Adults (ages 18+): According to the 2015 NSDUH, 15.1 million adults ages 18 and older 3 (6.2 percent of this age group 4 ) had AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder)
  • Youth (ages 12–17): According to the 2015 NSDUH, an estimated 623,000 adolescents ages 12–17 6 (2.5 percent of this age group 7 ) had AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder).”

Is Your Child Generally Unhappy?

Is Your Child Having Rapid Changes in Mood?

Family Conflict Resolution: 6 Worksheets & Scenarios (+ PDF)

Conflict resolution family

It is perhaps unrealistic to expect that relationships remain harmonious all the time; occasional disconnections and disagreements are a fact of life that can help a family grow and move forward, accommodating change (Divecha, 2020).

Repeating patterns of conflict, however, can be damaging for family members, especially children, negatively affecting mental and physical wellbeing (Sori, Hecker, & Bachenberg, 2016).

This article explores how to resolve conflict in family relationships and introduces strategies and activities that can help.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free . These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

This Article Contains:

How to resolve conflict in family relationships, 2 examples of conflict scenarios, 3 strategies for family counseling sessions, 6 activities and worksheets to try, a note on conflict resolution for kids, 3 best games and activities for kids, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

“Families typically develop certain basic structural characteristics and interactive patterns that they utilize to respond to internal and external stressors.”

Goldenberg, 2017, p. 4

Built on shared assumptions and narratives that exist within the family structure, family members support the group as it adapts and copes with shifting environments and life events.

Such structures, at times, may support and even promote conflict that occurs within families. Indeed, rifts, clashes, and disagreements within the family can take many forms, including physical, verbal, financial, psychological, and sexual (Marta & Alfieri, 2014).

Therapy has the potential to help a family understand how it organizes itself and maintains cohesion, while improving how it communicates and overcomes problems that lead to conflict (Goldenberg, 2017).

As psychologist Rick Hanson writes, “a bid for repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other” (cited in Divecha, 2020).

Crucially, families can learn to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection that arise from falling out of sync with one another (Divecha, 2020).

Repairing ruptures resulting from miscommunication, mismatches, and failing to attune to one another is vital for parenting and maintaining family union. But how?

While there are many ways to recover from and resolve conflict, the following four steps are invaluable for authentic repair (modified from Divecha, 2020):

  • Acknowledge the offense Try to identify and understand the hurt you’ve caused. Whether intended and with apparent good reason or not, this is a valuable opportunity to dial down your defenses and focus on how the other person is feeling.

Acknowledging the hurt without adding caveats is a powerful way to show humanity.

It can help to check your understanding, “Did I upset you? Help me understand how.” Your approach must be open and authentic; unless heartfelt, it risks escalating emotions.

  • Express remorse Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m sorry,” is enough, or at least an excellent place to start.

Take care though. Adding a comment, such as, “Well, you shouldn’t have done X,” weakens your expression of remorse, especially when dealing with children. They are learning from what you do – right and wrong.

Also, don’t go overboard. Being too quick to say sorry or going over the top with an apology can make it more about yourself than the person hurt.

  • Offer a simple explanation If the other person is ready to listen (neither too upset nor too angry), a brief explanation can clarify the thinking behind your actions.

Remember to focus on the other person’s experience rather than a litany of excuses for poor behavior. And avoid using this as an opportunity to add grievances or assign blame for issues that have arisen recently.

  • Learn and practice expressing your intentions to fix the situation and stop it from happening again. Be sincere. Say that you are sorry and mean it.

There is little point in apologizing and recovering from conflict if you intend to repeat the behavior.

Conflict is often avoidable. But if it isn’t, then it is possible to recover and maintain family relationships through authentic activities that repair damage (Divecha, 2020).

Relationship key

Family therapy can help resolve conflicts within the family unit through multiple routes, including:

  • Exploring various relationships that make up the family.
  • Bringing couples and families together to resolve interpersonal conflicts rather than treating them separately.
  • Focusing on interventions with entire families rather than individuals.
  • Establishing the role of dysfunctional families in individual mental health problems.

Family conflict can appear in all shapes and sizes. While minor disagreements between siblings may be resolved quickly, major rifts can form between child and parent, damaging previously strong bonds.

All relationships within a family can at one time or another descend into conflict. Two such examples include (modified from Goldenberg, 2017):

  • Conflict over money Bob and Tess are married with two children. In therapy, Tess claims that Bob is mean with his money: checking grocery bills and yelling at the cost of their children’s birthday presents. Along with other relationship issues, conflict had led them to sleep in separate rooms.

Bob argues he works hard for his money and gives her a generous amount each month, but Tess spends beyond their means.

During therapy, it became clear that Bob comes from a working-class family and was taught from an early age to live frugally. His long-standing beliefs underpin (but do not excuse) his outbursts.

In time, therapy helps them become more supportive of one another, giving up their underlying power struggles and successfully moving away from stereotypical gender roles.

  • Cultural and intergenerational conflict Despite Indira and Sanjay Singh moving to the United States while they were still at preschool age, they have retained the cultural and moral values of their place of birth: India. When their two children were born, they were also taught to be compliant and respect their parents, while friends from school were discouraged.

As the children grew older, it became clear that the conflict between the old and new culture was causing a rift, dividing children and parents. Despite reluctance from the parents, in time, all four attended family therapy and began to deal with cultural differences and expectations arising from multiculturalism.

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Conflict in family situations can be “chronic and unresolved,” cycling through “periods of emotional distance and closeness with intense negative feelings” (Metcalf, 2011, p. 45).

In family therapy, the many theories offer different lenses through which to view the world and, most importantly, help families manage and resolve conflict (Metcalf, 2011).

The following strategies can help protect the family from or cope with conflict in its many forms.

Build an environment of connection and understanding

Divecha (2020) suggests that by building an environment of connection and understanding, you can “create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed.”

Encourage clients to make small but vital changes to the family setting (modified from Divecha, 2020):

  • Watch out for the easily missed signs that indicate a child, young adult, or partner wishes to find a way to reconnect and recover from conflict.
  • Normalize requests, such as, “I need a repair” and “Can we have a redo?” that tell us a family member is ready to fix a damaged relationship.
  • Maintain awareness. If we think we may have caused upset or harm, circle back and check in with the other person.

Building a better environment through frequent repairs can catch problems early and reduce the likelihood of escalation.

Use “I” statements

How we say something can have a significant impact on what others hear. Encourage family members to express how they feel without blaming others, such as (modified from Goldenberg, 2017):

“I am hurt by what you said last night” rather than accusations, such as, “You were out of order last night.”

Speak directly to the therapist

There may be times during a therapy session when tension between family members heightens and the emotional intensity needs to be de-escalated (Goldenberg, 2017).

A helpful communication technique is to ask the family member talking to address the therapist directly. This refocus encourages the speaker to express themselves more calmly and allows the other person time and space to listen and respond under less pressure.

Conflict resolution narrative

The following activities focus on exploring family structures, beliefs, and problem-solving behavior to avoid or resolve conflict within the group.

Recognizing Family Narratives

Family narratives provide support for coping with upsetting events and recovering from conflict (Goldenberg, 2017).

Use the Recognizing Family Narratives worksheet to identify narratives that explain and justify the structure and interactive patterns that exist within the family.

The constructs we form can enable or inhibit how we cope with conflict and other life events within the family (Goldenberg, 2017).

Parenting With Purpose

Parenting can be difficult; it is easy to lose sight of what is important. Defining meaning and purpose for ourselves as parents and our children can offer a valuable compass for day-to-day decision-making (Hart, 2006).

The Parenting With Purpose worksheet is a helpful reminder of your values and purpose as a parent.

The answers to the questions can help you understand what kind of relationship you would like with your children and why.

What Is Working Within the Family?

While it is essential to identify and fix what is causing conflict within a family, it is equally valuable to recognize what is working.

Once we recognize where we are successful in a relationship, it can remind us that not everything is terrible. We are doing some things right, and we have something upon which we can build.

The What Is Working worksheet helps identify and share the positives in the relationships within the family.

Recognize that conflict doesn’t occur in the family all the time and encourage the activities that unite you as a group.

Meeting Our Family’s Needs

Sura Hart (2006, p. 175), former teacher and education project director for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, says that “you can find conflict in every human story, and in the conflict situation you can find the needs people are wanting to meet.”

Use the Meeting Our Family’s Needs worksheet to help each family member have their needs heard, understood, and, ultimately, accepted.

Consider Your Intentions

Words have the power to share love and anger. Without clear and conscious intention, it is possible to communicate unhelpful and even harmful messages (Hart, 2006).

Use the Consider Your Intentions worksheet to identify and understand your intentions and help you respect and care for other family members’ needs.

Perform an early check on your intentions before you engage with the other family member, especially if it has the potential to turn into conflict.

Using the answers, consider how you can show positive intentions and steer clear of harmful intentions, such as proving yourself right.

Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve

Conflict isn’t always to be avoided; clashes can be productive, stimulating learning, fostering understanding, and moving a relationship forward (Hart, 2006).

However, some conflict is unnecessary and avoidable, especially regarding daily tasks, such as tidying the house, going to bed, and completing chores.

Use the Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve worksheet to help recognize everyday actions as problems to overcome rather than points of contention.

14 Effective conflict resolution techniques – BRAINY DOSE

“Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired” says family researcher Ed Tronick (cited in Divecha, 2020).

Children can learn from the family environment that conflict need not be out of proportion to the situation and may, ultimately, lead to positive change.

It helps when family relationships are overwhelmingly positive. Make sure to make “special time” available for each child, where they have control over what you do and for how long, writes Divecha (2020). Learn to show gratitude and appreciation for what the child does more readily without it becoming predictable and unthinking.

Conflict resolution for kids

Board games such as Monopoly, Checkers, and Life can be played as a pair or a family. The children see that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from their parents’ reaction to losing.

More physical, active games such as Tag or Hide and Seek allow the whole family to have fun, while, importantly, seeing each other having fun. Children need to experience their parents as humans with a wish to enjoy themselves. Parents benefit from experiencing their family laughing – a reminder that life is not all about duty and rules.

Quieter pastimes, including art and craft, can be a time to build and use mindfulness practices, considering colors, textures, and smells. Interactive activities such as making funny characters out of play dough or houses out of Lego is fun and beyond rules or feelings of failure.

Family conflict can often be avoided. The following resources help individuals gain a greater understanding of other family members’ needs and feelings.

  • Mind the Gap Identify and share the values you would like to exist within your family, such as love, trust, compassion, and teamwork.
  • Conflict at School Conflict outside the home can have an impact inside. Help your children to reflect on the relationships they have at school.

Additional reading and resources include:

  • Conflict Resolution in Relationships and Couples: 5 Strategies For more ideas on how to resolve conflict in other types of relationships, read our conflict resolution in relationships article.
  • 14 Conflict Resolution Strategies & Techniques for the Workplace This article about conflict resolution in the workplace is a helpful additional read, especially where the lines between family and work is blurred – working in the family business, working from home – these all can cause conflict so be sure to have a look at this article too.
  • 17 Positive Communication Exercises If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others communicate better, check out this collection of 17 validated positive communication tools for practitioners . Use them to help others improve their communication skills and form deeper and more positive relationships.

It is vital that families learn to survive – and even grow – under adverse conditions. The family unit faces daily challenges from outside and conflict from within that can upset the internal stability that rests upon existing narratives, shared beliefs, and sometimes mistaken assumptions (Goldenberg, 2017).

It can become less about preventing all conflict, which is impossible, and more about creating a family environment that reduces unnecessary friction, repairs rifts and misunderstandings, grows, and moves forward.

Our communication – what we say and how we say it – remains crucial and can improve over time with practice and an improved awareness of one another’s needs. Family members can also learn skills and techniques to improve self-regulation, resilience, and coping that strengthen internal structures.

This article introduces tools and worksheets that help remove avoidable conflict and manage and resolve it within the family unit, where disagreement is inevitable. Try them out with your clients or within your own family to improve engagement, strengthen relationships, and build a more supportive and resilient family structure.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Communication Exercises (PDF) for free .

  • American Psychological Association. (2011). Family interventions. Retrieved October 6, 2021, from https://www.apa.org/pi/about/publications/caregivers/practice-settings/intervention/family
  • Divecha, D. (2020, October 27). Family conflict is normal; it’s the repair that matter s. Greater Good. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/family_conflict_is_normal_its_the_repair_that_matters
  • Goldenberg, I. (2017). Family therapy: An overview . Cengage Learning.
  • Hart, S. (2006). Respectful parents, respectful kids: 7 Keys to turn family conflict into co-operation . PuddleDancer Press.
  • Marta, E., & Alfieri, S. (2014). Family conflicts. In A. C. Michalos (Ed.), Encyclopedia of quality of life and well-being research . Springer.
  • Metcalf, L. (2011). Marriage and family therapy: A practice-oriented approach . Springer.
  • Sori, C. F., Hecker, L., & Bachenberg, M. E. (2016). The therapist’s notebook for children and adolescents: Homework, handouts, and activities for use in psychotherapy . Routledge/Taylor & Francis.

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Debbie

Thank you for the resources on family conflict resolution. I am working with a family that is really challenged.

Susan Salenski

We have had major conflicts in the family with me, my husband, who is the stepdad, and my grown kids. One speaks to us but lives on the northern East Coast. Haven’t seen him in 5 years. The other grown child is my daughter. She has had no contact with us of any kind for 5 years. I look forward to learning how to defuse conflicts and then grow healthy relationships, with my kids especially.

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How to manage and resolve family conflicts.

Kate Skurat

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Table of Contents

Being part of a family can be pretty beneficial as it brings you love, security, and support. Family members who understand and appreciate you can help you overcome many challenges that life throws at you. But sometimes, there can also be conflict .

It’s common for family members to have disagreements. While conflicts are rather natural, healthy, and unavoidable, when they remain unresolved or escalate, they can become a significant cause of stress and problems in relationships.

Family conflicts can be particularly distressing because they are so deeply personal. You may feel tied to your family and unable to distance yourself or let go. Besides, when certain problems arise over and over again for many years, it can be easy to get stuck in familiar patterns of interaction.

If conflicts have become a problem in your family and you’re struggling to find ways to resolve them, this article will give you some tips that might help.

We also asked Tiffany Lovins , a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Calmerry , to share some insights into this subject. But before we tell you how to deal with family conflicts, let’s first take a quick look at some of the most common causes.

Causes of family conflict

“ Belonging to any part of a group or system naturally creates an environment that is rich with individual differences in wants, needs, beliefs, and values, ” explains Tiffany and goes on, “ Our own family system is no different in this regard and is often even more complicated due to the closeness of these relationships and the interdependence that exists in a family unit. ”

Tiffany also notes that the underlying causes of conflict may not be obvious: “ There are several primary causes of family conflict that are most often experienced, though they all hold an underlying theme regardless of the topic at hand. The top causes for conflict are often finances, child-rearing, and discipline, involvement of in-laws, sibling rivalry, or push for autonomy within the family unit.”

Belonging to any group creates room for disagreements

“Regardless of the cause, all contain an underlying theme of incongruency in expectations and communication that ultimately lead to conflict in these areas. ”

Lack of communication

One of the most common factors that trigger conflict in a family is a lack of open communication . Without effective communication, it becomes difficult for family members to make sure that their needs are met, and their boundaries are respected.

The lack of communication may also make a person feel like their needs and desires are not worth sharing. As a result, family members may get stuck in a vicious circle where previous communication problems create new ones .

Family duties

Family conflicts also often stem from responsibilities. Misunderstandings may arise from the way family members divide household chores and other responsibilities.

For instance, there might be arguments regarding who is supposed to take care of children or elderly family members . Although these are often small conflicts, they may last for a long time if left unresolved.

Disagreements related to financial issues can have a severely destructive impact on all kinds of relationships, including those between romantic partners and family members. Spouses and siblings often argue over money management. And the situation may get even more difficult if there are any inheritance issues in the family.

Without open communication, people act based on assumptions and emotions

Differences in values

This is a very common cause of conflict between romantic partners and between parents and their children. People may hold different opinions regarding politics, morals, culture, etc. There is often a greater risk of this as children shift into developmental stages, where strengthening their independence and identity take center stage.

As a result, partners or family members may lose the sense of unity, and the whole family dynamics may shift in a negative direction.

Blended families

When two families start to live together, they enter a risky area because the more people are involved, the more likely things may go wrong.

Given that even people who’ve shared the same roof for years may have serious conflicts, it’s no surprise that the situation might get more complicated when introducing new people – each with their unique needs, views, and habits.

This can be further complicated if the children have multiple households where different expectations and rules are held.

Goals and expectations are out of sync

“ There are often unspoken rules, norms, and beliefs about everyone’s role in the family and resulting expectations attached to each role ,” explains Tiffany Lovins , “ When these expectations and needs of the individual are not openly communicated and aligned, it can result in each member reacting on assumptions and emotions, thus creating a breeding ground for conflict. ”

The counselor adds, “ Once this is put into motion, each individual tends to resort to their default communication style, which further alienates each person from the other. Some may become passive and shut down. Others may attack or respond aggressively. ”

Tiffany notes that this way, the mutual goals of the family can be lost in the process. And this increases the vulnerability of each to blame and attack rather than partnering together to address concerns.

“ Identifying and stating openly that the mutual goal is always to create a space of health and happiness for each individual and the family can be a great starting point for difficult conversations, ” comments Tiffany.

How to resolve family conflicts

Family members are arguing

No matter what caused a particular argument, it’s important to know how to prevent further escalation and minimize the probability of such conflicts happening in the future.

Here are the 10 essential tips for navigating family conflicts and improving your communication skills.

1. Accept what you can and cannot control

No matter how much you may want to, you cannot control the behavior of others. But you can control how you respond . Think of the conflicts you’ve had in the past, how you reacted, and what the outcomes were.

If the results didn’t match your expectations, reflect on your approach and if it accurately reflected your intended need or request in a way that maintains your self-respect and the respect of the relationship. If not, try responding differently next time, and hopefully, it will have a more positive effect.

Changing the way you respond makes you less predictable, making it harder for others to trigger or manipulate you into conflict. Suppose you have engaged in communicating as effectively as you can, and it is still not well received. In that case,  this may indicate a need to redefine the boundaries and expectations in this relationship .

2. Let any anger subside

It’s better to let things calm down before trying to resolve a conflict so that you can have a rational and constructive conversation. When emotions are high, the functional part of our brains goes offline, and it truly makes it hard to have a reasonable discussion with effective solutions . Try talking in a calm tone and put any emotions aside.

If you try to resolve a conflict while people are angry and lashing out, such attempts may fail or even worsen the situation further. Remember, the goal here is not to win an argument but to find a healthy and mutually beneficial resolution.

3. Try to understand other family members’ perspectives

It’s important to give other family members a chance to express their views without being interrupted. And you should also request an opportunity to do the same

Listen actively: try to understand things from other peoples’ perspectives and then identify what you could do differently to help resolve the conflict. Listening to others and having empathy is a way to be fair and gain valuable insights. It’s not about submitting or caving to the demands of others.

4. Understand how it affects the whole family

It’s easy to get caught up in a conflict without realizing how much it’s affecting those around you. For example, when parents argue, children can often pick up on their stress and mood changes, even if they try to hide them.

However, when the family members involved in a conflict understand how it’s hurting the rest of the family, they’re more likely to be open to finding a resolution.

Empathy is important

5. Use “I” instead of “you”

When you’re attempting to resolve a conflict, “you”-statements may sound like accusations, triggering a defensive response and making it harder to connect.

Use “I”-statements and talk about how you feel instead. You’ll be less likely to trigger other people’s defenses while highlighting your personal perspective, your emotions, and the critical issues you need to work through.

6. Recognize that some issues aren’t worth fighting over

Not every issue is worth fighting over. For example, if your partner or kids did something trivial that bothered you, such as not putting the bins out, consider whether such an issue would be worth getting into an argument about.

Remember, accidents can happen, people can forget, everyone makes mistakes, and not everything is done to hurt you intentionally.

However, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxic or abusive behavior . And you have the right to be concerned and speak up if you often moderate yourself because of the fear of other family members.

7. Try reaching out rather than withdrawing

If you see other family members as a threat, you may withdraw as a way to protect yourself. However, isolating yourself can prolong the issues between you and make it harder to resolve the conflict.

So, when you feel like withdrawing, try being the bigger person and reaching out instead. Taking a risk and making the first move often pays off, giving you and other family members a chance to resolve things and reconnect.

8. Work as a team

A healthy family is a solid unit, but families consist of multiple people . Even couples without children may run into conflicts of interest. And the situation may not get any easier if people have children or live with other relatives.

To ensure mutual understanding and support, it’s important to agree on common goals and everyone’s individual contribution.

“ Making an effort to have intentional conversations about expectations of each other and each person’s role in meeting these goals is critical, especially as each individual evolves (and so do their needs and capabilities), ” explains Tiffany Lovins.

9. Seek professional help and support if needed

For many people, family is a major part of their lives, and they consider it worth investing in to get it right. Seeking impartial guidance and the help of an expert can help you and your family work through any challenges effectively.

Whether it’s relationship therapy to help build a healthy romantic relationship or online counseling to improve your anger management skills, there’s professional support available for all types of issues.

Those stuck in toxic relationships can also benefit from emotional abuse help .

10. Minimize or end contact completely if nothing helps

While it often pays off to reach out rather than withdraw, some conflicts are simply unresolvable, and you’re better off minimizing or ending contact entirely.

This applies particularly to situations where abuse has occurred, and you expect it could continue in the future. Ending contact is usually the last option, but it’s worth considering if your or your loved one’s health and well-being are at risk.

If you’re a victim of abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline . If you’re in immediate danger, please call 911.

While family conflicts can cause considerable distress and anxiety , finding a healthy resolution is often possible. Remember to let things cool off first and try to consider other family members’ perspectives. Improving your conflict resolution skills is a worthwhile endeavor that could help you in many areas of your life.

If you need additional support, seeking the help of a professional is always a wise choice. Here at Calmerry , our online therapists are ready to work with you individually to resolve any emotional problems you have and improve your mental well-being.

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7 Strategies to Deal With Difficult Family Members

Here's how to maintain your integrity in family relationships..

Posted February 22, 2018 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

  • Not getting along with a family member may strain other familial relationships, making it hard to separate oneself entirely.
  • Trying to fix a difficult family member can be impossible. The more one tries to do so, the more demands the difficult person makes.
  • It's important to recognize (and stop) an interaction with a difficult family member when it's no longer about solutions and only about winning.

Phovoir/Shutterstock

Difficult people are everywhere, like it or not. It’s pretty certain that at some point in your life, you’ll come across a challenging person and will have to find a way to deal with them. It would be easy to think, “Why bother?” if being around them causes you grief . But it’s not as easy as that. Sometimes we’re just forced into situations we have little control over.

Being related is one such circumstance. In fact, family members are often the hardest to deal with, because they’re connected to us in a more complicated, intimate way. With difficult acquaintances like friends, colleagues, lovers, or neighbors, you may have to deal with them for a time, either until a conflict between you is resolved, or you are able to remove yourself from the situation. With family, we are almost obligated to go the extra mile for the sake of the integrity of the family group. In other words, personal relationships may affect the family as a whole. If you don’t get along with a family member, it may very well put stress and strain on other familial relationships.

So what do you do with those people you may not like very much and may not choose to have in your life, but are forced to deal with because they’re family?

1. Don’t try to fix the difficult person.

Accept them exactly as they are. (This applies to all difficult people, not just family.) It’s tempting to try to help someone you want to care about; you probably will make some efforts to help them. Sometimes it works, but often your efforts will not be rewarded. In fact, trying to fix someone or make their life better may become a huge headache, since the more you do for them, the more they want from you.

Accept that they are unable to change, at least at this point in time. Unless you see real change — proof that this person is making an effort to listen and meet you halfway — you can assume that their behavior is what it has always been. It’s important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do.

2. Be present and direct.

Know that a person who is trying to stir up conflict can easily set you off emotionally, and even physically, possibly raising your heart rate and blood pressure. Try to avoid getting into a fight-or-flight response, which inevitably leads to becoming defensive. You do not want an argument or heated discussion. Stay true to yourself, grounded in your own integrity. Be direct and assertive when you express yourself. Stay focused on how you respond. Know when the discussion or argument has accelerated to the point of no return — meaning it’s no longer about conflict resolution, but just about winning. If it gets to this point, stop the interaction, and leave the conversation.

3. Do encourage difficult people to express themselves.

Let them fully state their point of view about the issue/conflict/problem without interruption. Why do they feel judged or criticized by others? What do they feel people misunderstand about them? What do they want or expect from others? The idea is to remain as neutral as possible. Just listening, rather than trying to engage, may be enough to allow someone to feel like they have the opportunity to say what’s on their mind. Showing respect for another’s differences may go a very long way.

4. Watch for trigger topics.

Inevitably there will be topics that represent points of disagreement and disharmony. Know what these topics are, and be extremely aware when these are brought up. Your past experiences should help you, especially when you are confronted with these delicate subjects. Be prepared to address these issues in a direct, non-confrontational way or to deflect the conflict if the atmosphere becomes too heated.

5. Know that some topics are absolutely off-limits.

Period. History and experiences should tell you that these subjects should be avoided at all costs. That’s not to say that important issues should be permanently avoided. Rather, if your experience dealing with certain issues has left you stressed out or emotionally depleted, and the discussion has not progressed sufficiently along to represent a rapprochement, then it’s best to avoid the discussion until a time when both parties are willing to move it forward in a constructive way.

6. It’s not about you — usually.

Yes, it’s hard not to take things personally, especially when you’re attacked or made to feel responsible for someone else. But if you look at the anatomy of a conflict, you can see how these often play out. Notice how people progressively move through a discussion or argument. Usually, it initially centers around a specific topic/disagreement/response that made a person upset. If allowed to continue, the argument can become heated, accelerating quickly to personal attacks (which often includes trying to make you feel responsible or guilty for not responding the way someone wants you to). If you have been through this kind of interaction before, make a concerted effort to imagine it unfolding before it actually does — and then nip it in the bud.

how can solve family problems

7. Your own well-being comes first.

While you want to be respectful and attentive to others as much as you can, you don’t want to bend over backwards or twist yourself into a knot just to make someone else happy or satisfied, or to keep the peace. Never allow any personal interaction or relationship to infringe upon or challenge your own well-being. Visualize your boundaries , that protective territory between you and someone else. No one is entitled to occupy your space unless you invite them in.

And then there’s that special situation where families gather together for a special occasion or holiday. it’s best to plan ahead so that you have a good idea about how time will be spent with relatives. Don’t leave too much unplanned time; you don’t want to get into a situation where you’re left alone with a difficult family member with whom you have an issue or conflict — someone who confronts, challenges, incites, aggravates, and basically pushes your buttons. Surround yourself with people you get along with, supportive people who care about you, people who are there to enjoy time together.

Abigail Brenner M.D.

Abigail Brenner, M.D . , is a psychiatrist in private practice. She is the author of Transitions: How Women Embrace Change and Celebrate Life and other books.

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7 Most Common Family Problems And How to Solve Them

Swarnakshi Sharma

Family is life, they are everything we need when we’re in trouble or we just need support. Family is the one that has our back and the one we count on as we celebrate our success or mourn our losses.

Family laughs with us, cries with us, but is always ready to support us whenever we need it. This doesn’t mean that families don’t have problems.

Each family is unique and each family has its problems and issues. But some most common family problems plague each family alike. In this blog, I’ll explain the common problems of a family and what you can do to resolve them.

Let’s begin, shall we?

7 Most Common Family Problems And Solutions

1. distance.

Distance, whether of work or emotionally, can take a heavy toll on a family and put a strain on the family relationship. If you have kids, then distance – often for an extended period – can be challenging to bear through.

If you travel and cannot change the distance, then you can take steps such as nightly video chats, playing online games, or watch movies online together to help curb the distance.

Issues can also arise if you’re not keeping enough distance, too. Spending too much time with the family can also become a problem. Every relationship, even a happy and successful family , needs space, even if you’re a stay-at-home parent.

Solution: Get some space for yourself. Engage in a productive hobby or do something you love. Too much distance and/or not enough distance can put a strain on a family relationship.

2. Parenting Disagreements

Every parent has a different view when it comes to raising their child. For many, how they raise their children can come from their own childhood experiences and upbringing. If you and your partner disagree on parenting styles then it’s a good time to talk it out. Discuss the pros and cons and understand their views on your parenting style .

Solution: If you and your partner are having disagreements on each other’s parenting styles then you need to learn to compromise. It is better to raise your children keeping in mind both parents’ values.

3. Communication

Most disagreements, fights, and arguments are caused by poor communication or lack of communication. Adults and children all need space to explain their problems in all fairness. Making assumptions, even in the case of a family, is not the right thing to do.

A common problem with a blended family can be a lack of communication. Having a step-parent, step-sibling can be disconcerting at first, and openly communicating might be a problem in the beginning.

Solution: Many teenage children refuse or hesitate to express their emotions fearing ridicule or shame. Explain to the family that each of them is welcome to express their honest views. Encourage them to communicate openly and fairly. Even parents and grandparents are entitled to their views.

4. Arguments And Conflicts

As I mentioned in the previous point, disagreements, conflicts, and fights are a part of a family dynamic. We all are entitled to our opinion however, arguments and conflicts can damage relationships within a family if not resolved in time. Emotions should not get the better of you during arguments. We may say something hurtful even without meaning to.

Arguments are not a bad thing at all. They are normal but if they get out of hand then they could be a problem.

Solution: Instead of focusing on the words, focus on the why of the other person’s actions and behavior. If the disagreement is turning into a fight, call a time-out and come back to the point when you and the others have had time to cool down.

5. Money Problems

One of the biggest stressors in any relationship can be finances. Financial stress can raise tension and create dissonance in a family relationship. Arguments about money and money management are common family problems that need to be addressed.

Solution: However, there are many ways to deal with financial stress including creating a monthly budget. Cutting back on unnecessary expenses – on either side – can also help. Financial troubles test a relationship in ways not many things do. If you and your partner are open to solve the issues together, you can get through tough times together.

6. Rebellious Children

A common problem between parents and children comes when children become rebellious and refuse to listen to their parents.

From raising toddlers to teens, times can certainly be challenging. Rebellious children can test your patience and will push all your buttons. In such situations, remember that while you may not be able to control your children’s actions, you can control how to teach them the consequences of their actions.

Solution: Set a positive example of how you react to your emotions. If you are dealing with an angry teenager , then you can try listening to their grievances and discuss with them, offering them advice only if they ask you for it. One of the best ways your child can learn is by making mistakes.

Let them. As a team, you and your partner can offer them support and help when you see them flounder.

7. Work-Life Balance

Another common family problem can be not having a healthy work-life balance . With both sets of parents working more and more, it can create a certain problem when it comes to balancing work and life. The need to provide for the family and the want to spend time with them can cause an unhealthy work-life routine.

Solution: One of the best solutions to this common family problem is to leave work at work and focusing on family when off work. Make time for family when it comes to family time. If possible, delegate tasks at work so that you are not too overworked.

It is also important to remember to spend time on yourself as well. Also, with a better work-life balance , you’ll be able to focus better on work and family, at their respective times.

Tips To Solve Common Family Problems  

Some additional tips to help you solve day-to-day common family problems are; 

1. Try to spend time with family members. It’s OK when each family member has different activities and interests that can make it hard for others to find time to spend with one another, but try to schedule events and activities to try with each other.

2. It’s important to have open (and honest) communication between family members so that there is no misunderstanding. Encourage each other to share their thoughts and feelings and make sure that no one feels rejected or judged for expressing their feelings.

3. Each member of the family needs to feel represented, heard and validated. In a family, each member needs to have equal power in decision-making. Once a member realizes that they are losing their representation or is not feeling safe to express their concern, then it could create conflicts.

4. In every relationship (yes, family relationships too), there could be unresolved feelings between each other. Sort of a leftover from the last argument, conflict, or disagreement. These unresolved feelings can also hinder further growth within the family. Here, you need to make sure that all past disagreements are resolved with no hard feelings left between the members.

5. The biggest mistake we do is not giving each other space in the family. And I’m not talking about privacy for once. It’s good to be together, but it’s also good to spend some time apart from each other. When you’re constantly in the presence of each other, it increases the risk of lashing out unnecessarily. All the pent-up negative feelings might be taken out on each other if there’s no space granted. 

How Family Therapy Can Help?

Many studies over the years have explored the importance of counseling and therapy when it comes to improving family relationships . Family and couples counseling help in understanding each other, resolve conflicts easily and come up with effective solutions.

With more and more therapy platforms going online, you can find the perfect family therapist for you and your family from the comfort of your own home. Even when dealing with separated and divorced parents, online therapy can be helpful.

Book Your First Therapy Session

Final Thoughts…

All families go through turbulent times and the above common family problems can plague all families – divorced, separated, or blended families. But this doesn’t mean that there is no solution to help resolve family problems. 

Understanding what causes the problems to arise in the first place, the different kinds of family problems, and how you can control them before they get out of control can help you prevent family conflicts and disagreements in the future. 

I hope with the above-mentioned common family problems and solutions, you can improve your family relationships and learn how to prevent these common family problems from turning destructive and ruining family relationships from within. 

For more, you can write to us at [email protected] or DM us on social media. You can also comment with your thoughts and any tips you have when it comes to resolving family problems below. 

Remember to always be kind to each other.

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About The Author

Swarnakshi Sharma

Swarnakshi is a content writer at Calm sage, who believes in a healthier lifestyle for mind and body. A fighter and survivor of depression, she strives to reach and help spread awareness on ending the stigma surrounding mental health issues. A spiritual person at heart, she believes in destiny and the power of Self. She is an avid reader and writer and likes to spend her free time baking and learning about world cultures.

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7 Signs of Family Problems and Strategies to Resolve Them

Angela Welch is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor Intern from Valparaiso,IN. She earned her Master of Arts in Marriage and... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

Advice on family problems

In This Article

It is normal to experience problems and issues in personal relationships.

All families go through conflicts and difficult times. But family problems can be overwhelming and stressful for a person. In such cases, you need advice on family problems.

In this article, we will discuss the causes and try to figure out what helps in resolving family problems and conflicts. 

What is considered a family problem? 

Family problems can be defined as any situation that causes stress or conflict among family members. These problems can be caused by a variety of factors such as financial issues, communication problems, substance abuse, mental health issues, and more. 

According to a study by the American Psychological Association (APA), family conflicts can have a significant impact on children’s emotional security and development.

5 causes of family problems

The next piece of advice on family problems is to figure out the causes of those issues.

The following are the 5 common reasons which form the basis of problems among family members.

  • Your opinions are different
  • Your personalities don’t match up
  • Your stance on moral values and ethics differ
  • You have goals that are separate from one another
  • Financial problems can also cause issues among members of the family.

If you or your family member is undergoing some stress-related issues because of work or anything else, that can also be a trigger for problems and conflicts.

A few other causes might be as follows:

  • Gambling issues
  • Mental health problems
  • Natural calamities
  • Lack of Trust

7 signs of family problems

What are some family issues examples?

The first thing that you should look at while figuring out if anything is wrong between the family members is to ask yourself, what are some family issues that are disturbing your family dynamics? 

Here are some common family difficulties. If any of these family relationship problems resonate with your situation, it’s time to seek family advice.

1. Frequent arguing

Family members are arguing with each other on a frequent basis. There are very few things you can reach a consensus on. This is one of the signs that there is an underlying problem.

2. Disagreements

It seems as if you disagree with everything , and there is not a single thing that you could agree upon and work on together. This clearly sounds like experiencing some family troubles. 

3. Breakdown in communication

You don’t communicate much with your family members.

If there are issues going on in your life, because of them or otherwise, instead of talking about it, you tend to stay away from them.

A few other signs of underlying conflicts include angry outbursts , physical conflict, etc.

4. Emotional distance

Family problems often manifest as the emotional distance between family members. If family members feel disconnected or isolated from one another, it can be a sign that there are unresolved issues or strained relationships within the family

5. Lack of support

It is one of the common family weaknesses or family struggles within dysfunctional households.

In a healthy family, members support and uplift each other during challenging times. If family members no longer provide emotional or practical support to one another, it may indicate a breakdown in the family’s ability to function as a supportive unit.

6. Substance abuse or addiction

Substance abuse or addiction issues within the family can lead to severe problems. It can create tension, mistrust, financial strain, and overall instability within the family.

7. Neglect or abuse

The presence of neglect or abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, or verbal, is a clear sign of family problems. These behaviors can cause significant harm and trauma to family members, indicating the need for immediate intervention and support.

How to deal with family problems  

How to solve family problems and conflicts? Or what is some good advice about family problems?

Dealing with family problems can be challenging, but there are ways to resolve them. Here are some tips:

  • Schedule a time to talk as a group.
  • Focus on the issue at hand.
  • Have everyone state what they want and need.
  • Listen actively and respectfully.
  • Brainstorm solutions together.
  • Agree on a solution that works for everyone.
  • Follow up on the solution.

These tips can help you work through conflicts and improve your relationships with your loved ones. If you need more help, you can seek advice from a professional counselor or therapist who can provide guidance and support.

Where to go for help

Problems in the family? Wondering where to go for help ?

If you need the best advice on family problems, you can talk to your trusted friends and other family members.

You can also get relationship or couples counseling from an LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) or ask for mediation from someone who can equip you with the right advice and tools on how to fix family problems while also helping you identify the root cause of problems with family.

A trained, verified professional is credible, experienced, and well-equipped to understand common family problems and solutions and can dispense useful advice on family issues from an unbiased lens. 

Suppose you need help with family problems but feel reluctant to approach a third-party mediation. In that case, you can also check out helpful information online on common family problems and seek good advice for family problems.

That way, you won’t feel like you are exposing your family-related issues to anyone while also getting the right help with family issues. 

You can attend courses and workshops on communication, budgeting, etc. If you are concerned about health issues of yourself or other members, you should consult your general physician.

What are the 4 types of family conflict?

Now that we have gone through the list of family problems, let’s discover the next section of the family problems and solutions section.

There are four types of family conflict:

  • Conflicts with couples
  • Conflicts between parents and children
  • Conflicts between siblings
  • Conflicts with the elderly

Each type of conflict can take many forms, including verbal, physical, sexual, financial, or psychological.

Building a happy family together

All of us face difficulties and issues within our family from time to time.

However, there are methods and ways by which you can solve family conflicts. In such cases, advice on family problems can be really helpful as they can be manifested at any point in life, even in the happiest of family units.

Talk to your loved ones, or seek professional help and sort out your issues.

Embrace the differences in each of the family member’s mindset, and lifestyle, and be open to overcoming difficult times together as a family, solidly, and successfully.

Strive to bind your family with love and solidarity for a healthy future.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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7 Situations That Cause Family Conflict And How To Fix Them

What’s the one thing that can make or break a family? It’s not love, it’s not loyalty, it’s not even money. 

It’s conflicts. Family conflicts can arise from the most unexpected places and can threaten to tear families apart. 

As a family therapist with years of experience, I’ve seen my fair share of family conflicts and the impact they can have on everyone involved. That’s why I’ve decided to write this article on the most common situations that cause family conflict. 

By understanding these scenarios, you can take proactive steps to prevent conflicts or resolve them effectively. So, buckle up and get ready to explore the most common family conflict scenarios.

What Are Family Conflicts?

Family conflicts are situations where there is a disagreement or dispute between family members. 

These conflicts can arise due to a variety of reasons, such as differences in opinions, beliefs, values, or even lifestyles. 

They can occur between parents and children, siblings, extended family members, and even between in-laws.

Signs Of Unhealthy Family Conflict

If family conflicts are not handled in a healthy way, they can become ongoing issues that can damage relationships and cause long-term harm. Here are some signs that your family conflicts are not being handled healthily:

  • You frequently engage in passive-aggressive behaviors.
  • You and your family members tend to sweep issues “under the rug” instead of addressing them.
  • You and your family members engage in frequent bickering and/or fighting.
  • Disagreements between you and your family members frequently escalate to yelling or screaming.
  • There are frequent periods where you or some members of your family aren’t speaking to others.
  • There is a lack of trust between you and your family members.
  • You or your family members exhibit codependent behavior.
  • There is any form of abuse present in your family dynamic.

7 Common Causes Of Family Conflict

Family conflicts are a common occurrence, and they can arise due to various reasons. In this section, we will discuss six situations that are known to cause family conflicts.

Financial Concerns

Money is one of the most common causes of family conflict . Financial matters can be a source of stress and anxiety for many families, and disagreements over finances can quickly escalate into heated arguments or even lead to divorce. Some of the common financial issues that can cause conflict between family members or spouses include money management, inheritance disputes, and debt and loans.

Here are some real-life scenarios that illustrate how money can cause conflict in families:

  • A couple disagrees on how to spend their money, with one partner wanting to save for a down payment on a home and the other wanting to take a vacation.
  • Siblings argue over how to divide the inheritance left by their parents, with some wanting a larger share of the assets than others.
  • A family member loans money to another family member, but the borrower fails to pay back the loan, causing tension and resentment in the family.
  • A couple has different attitudes toward debt, with one partner wanting to pay off credit cards and the other wanting to take out a loan for a new car.

Communication Patterns And Unresolved Issues

When one member of the family or couple feels like they are not being heard or understood, they may become defensive or withdraw from the conversation altogether. This can create a cycle of negative communication patterns where the same issues are repeatedly brought up, but never resolved.

Here are some real-life scenarios that demonstrate how communication patterns and unresolved issues can cause conflict:

 – Interrupting or talking over each other

– Ignoring or dismissing each other’s concerns

– Using negative body language

– Making assumptions about each other’s intentions

– Avoiding difficult conversations

– Holding grudges and not forgiving

– Blaming each other for problems

– Failing to communicate expectations clearly

Personal Differences

Personal differences can often lead to conflict within a family or between spouses. When individuals have different lifestyles, values, or beliefs, misunderstandings can arise, leading to tension and stress . Personality clashes can also be a source of conflict, especially when family members have different ways of communicating or dealing with conflict.

– A couple with different religious beliefs may struggle to agree on how to raise their children, leading to arguments and tension.

– Two siblings who have different political views may end up avoiding each other or arguing during family gatherings.

– A husband and wife with different sleep schedules may struggle to find a routine that works for both of them, causing resentment and frustration.

– A family member who follows a strict vegan diet may feel disrespected or left out when others make fun of their food choices.

– A teenager with different interests than their parents may feel misunderstood or unsupported, leading to rebellious behavior.

Family Roles and Responsibilities

Family roles and responsibilities can cause conflicts in families. These conflicts happen because parents have different ways of raising children and communicating. Expectations and responsibilities can cause frustration. 

This can happen if one family member feels overwhelmed. It can also happen if there are differences in financial support. Taking care of elderly family members can be a sensitive issue. It can lead to conflicts about medical care and living arrangements. 

Recognizing these potential areas of tension can help families handle these issues. They can work on communication and maintain strong relationships.

Life Changes

Life changes can sometimes cause conflicts within families. As we go through various changes in our lives, our loved ones may not always understand or accept our decisions. Here are some examples of life changes that can cause conflicts within families:

  • Moving to a new city or country without consulting family members
  • Starting a new job or career that may not align with family expectations
  • Going through a breakup or divorce that may affect the family dynamic
  • Losing a loved one and dealing with grief in different ways
  • Facing a health issue or illness that may require support and understanding from family members

Inheritance and Estate Planning

Inheritance and estate planning can be a sensitive topic. This is especially true when it comes to the unequal distribution of assets. Family members can feel disputes arise when they have been treated unfairly. Or, when the will or trust is not clear or specific enough. 

It’s important to carefully consider how you want to distribute your assets. Communicate your wishes clearly to avoid any confusion or conflicts in the future. 

Seek advice from a professional in estate planning. You can help ensure that your wishes are carried out as intended.

Chronic Health And Mental Health Issues

Chronic health and mental health issues can put a significant strain on families. When a family member is affected, it can be challenging and emotionally draining for everyone involved. Here are some common situations that can cause family conflicts in such cases:

  • When a family member falls ill or develops a chronic condition, their roles and responsibilities in the family may change. 
  • Chronic health conditions can be expensive, and family members may disagree on how to manage the associated costs.
  • A lack of knowledge or understanding about a family member’s condition can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
  • Caring for a family member with a chronic health condition can be emotionally taxing, leading to conflicts and stress.
  • Mental health issues, in particular, can be stigmatized and misunderstood, leading to conflicts within families.

Tips On Interacting With Difficult Family Members

Dealing with challenging family members can be tricky, but there are ways to make it smoother. First off, try listening to what they’re saying—it can defuse tension. Keep your cool, too; it helps, even when things get tough. 

Choose your battles wisely; not every disagreement needs a big fight. Let them know your limits by setting boundaries. Find something you both like—it could be a show, a game, anything. Shared interests can make things better. 

And don’t forget about yourself; take a break when you need it. You matter too!

How To Deal With The Grief Of Ending A Relationship

  • Feel your emotions; it’s okay to be sad, angry, or confused after a breakup.
  • Seek support from friends, family, or a counselor for a listening ear and emotional help.
  • Set clear boundaries with your ex-partner to allow space and time for healing.
  • Prioritize self-care through activities that bring joy and relaxation.
  • Reflect on lessons learned from the relationship for personal growth.
  • Avoid blame or guilt; relationships are complex, and it’s okay not to shoulder all the burden.
  • Consider professional help if grief becomes overwhelming.
  • Be patient and compassionate with yourself; healing takes time.

How To Resolve Family Conflicts

Family fights happen, but fixing them is important for a happy family. Let’s learn simple steps to handle family problems.

Accept What You Can And Cannot Control

Understand that some things you can’t change. Focus on handling your feelings and know that accepting the situation is the first step to fixing family issues.

Let Any Anger Subside

Before talking about the problem, give yourself time to calm down. Waiting helps you have a better and more helpful conversation when you discuss the issue with your family.

Try To Understand Other Family Members’ Perspectives

Put yourself in their shoes. Think about how they see things. This makes it easier to talk and work together to solve family problems.

Understand How It Affects The Whole Family

Think about how the fight impacts everyone. Realizing the bigger picture shows that everyone needs to help find solutions for a happy family.

Use “I” Instead Of “You”

When you talk about your feelings or concerns, use “I” instead of “you.” This way, it’s less likely to make others feel defensive. It helps create a good environment to solve family issues.

Recognize That Some Issues Aren’t Worth Fighting Over

Choose your battles. Some fights are not worth feeling upset. Letting go of small problems helps keep your family happier and more peaceful.

Try Reaching Out Rather Than Withdrawing

Don’t step back; reach out. Instead of staying away, talk to your family. It shows you want to fix things and have a good talk to solve family problems.

Work As A Team

Think of fixing problems like a team game. Work together with your family to find answers. It’s important to show how everyone in the family can help and work together.

Seek Professional Help And Support If Needed

If your family problems keep going, ask for help. Talk to someone who can help you all talk and understand each other better. This person can help your family find good solutions.

Minimize Or End Contact Completely If Nothing Helps

If things don’t get better, think about seeing less of each other. It’s okay to stop talking if it’s not helping. Taking care of how you feel is important in these situations.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy is like a helpful space to talk and fix problems in your family. Therapists, like the ones at Psychicare , can guide you to understand each other better. Psychicare has online counseling, so you can get support from your home. They use special plans to make your family stronger, help you talk more, and handle tough times, making your family happier.

Frequently Asked Questions About Family Conflicts

How can you fix problems with your parents.

To solve issues with your parents, talk calmly about your feelings. Share what’s on your mind, and listen to what they have to say. Finding common ground helps make your relationship stronger.

How can you help with your parent’s stress?

Support your parents by showing you care. Offer to help with tasks or spend time together. Let them talk about their feelings – it can ease stress and show them they’re not alone.

Why do you feel stressed around your family?

It’s okay to feel stressed around family sometimes. Talk to someone you trust about your feelings, like a friend or a teacher. Sharing your emotions can help you feel better.

Can family conflict make you feel sad or depressed?

Yes, ongoing family conflicts can make you feel down. If you’re struggling, talk to someone you trust or seek professional help to find better ways to cope.

What’s bad about family conflicts?

Family conflicts can lead to stress, strained relationships, and feeling upset. It’s important to address conflicts early to minimize these effects on your well-being.

How can family conflicts affect your feelings?

Family conflicts can make you feel stressed and upset. It’s important to talk about your feelings and get support from friends, family, or a counselor.

How can you fix family conflicts?

To fix family conflicts, talk openly, listen, and find compromises. If needed, seek professional help. Creating a supportive family environment is crucial.

What can you do to move on after family fights?

Moving on after family disputes involves forgiveness, understanding, and talking openly. Focus on rebuilding relationships and creating a healthier family dynamic.

What causes misunderstandings in families?

Misunderstandings happen when people don’t communicate well. Talk openly and listen to prevent and resolve misunderstandings in your family.

How do you deal with unresolved family conflicts?

Dealing with unresolved family conflicts involves talking openly and seeking solutions. If needed, get support from friends, family, or a counselor.

What are some reasons for family conflicts?

Common reasons for family conflicts include miscommunication, financial stress, different values, and unmet expectations. Addressing these issues helps prevent conflicts.

How do you handle family conflict?

Handling family conflict means staying calm, talking, and listening. Find compromises and prioritize open communication to build a healthier family relationship.

How does moodiness cause family conflict?

Moodiness can lead to conflicts. Communicate openly about feelings, express needs, and work together to find solutions for a more harmonious family dynamic.

How does family conflict affect you as a child?

Family conflicts can affect your feelings and behavior. Create a positive environment, talk openly, and get support to cope with family challenges.

How does family conflict cause social anxiety?

Family conflicts can create stress that impacts your confidence in social situations. Address conflicts, talk about feelings, and build a supportive network to manage social anxiety.

What are 5 effects of conflict in your family?

Family conflicts can lead to stress, strained relationships, emotional distress, communication breakdown, and a negative impact on your well-being. Address conflicts promptly to minimize these effects.

How can you help elderly parents during family conflicts?

Helping elderly parents during family conflicts involves patience and understanding. Communicate openly, address their needs, and seek professional advice if needed.

How does family therapy work for conflict?

Family therapy for conflict involves talking with a professional to address and resolve family issues. The therapist helps improve communication and develop healthier family dynamics.

How can you find family conflict counseling near you?

To find family conflict counseling nearby, search online psychicare for recommendations. Their counselors offer virtual sessions for convenient access.

What’s the difference between a family crisis and a family conflict?

A family crisis is a sudden challenge, while a family conflict involves ongoing disagreements. Deal with crises immediately, while conflicts can be resolved through open communication and compromise.

How do you handle family conflicts between siblings?

Handle conflicts between siblings by encouraging open communication and finding compromises. Express feelings to foster a positive relationship.

How do you set boundaries in your family to prevent conflict?

Setting clear boundaries in your family involves communicating expectations openly, respecting individual space, and encouraging open dialogue for a healthier family dynamic.

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6 Reasons Family Communication Really Matters & Real-World Tips

We get it. Sometimes it may seem easier to look the other way instead of approaching a family member with a problem. However, ignoring issues can cause more harm than good, and practicing good family communication can help you keep the peace and even make things better.

Fortunately, communicating with family doesn't have to be something you grew up doing; it's also a skill you can learn. Understanding the importance of family communication will help you realize that while sweeping things under the rug may be easier, you've totally got the skills you need to make things better.

1. Family Communication Is Important for Understanding Each Other

When you're able to communicate with family members, you will be able to share what you believe and learn what others feel is right. While you may not agree, you may begin to understand more about the reasons why they do what they do or say what they say.

You could even grow a better appreciation for them. It's all about understanding a different perspective . It's the same process that helps us get along with and even appreciate diverse cultural backgrounds.

Quick Tip To better understand your family members, try sitting down and communicating your feelings about something that's not actually that big a deal. Instead of politics, talk about food, movies, or books. Discuss how you really feel about that thing and practice listening to each other's perspectives.

2. Communication Helps a Family Solve Problems Together

When there's a little thing annoying you or something you just don't want to make into a huge issue, we totally get the temptation to avoid it. The thing is, sidestepping issues won't make the problems go away, and it can even intensify the feelings you will have about future disagreements. Coming together to talk about a particular problem can open the lines of communication so you can work as a team to find solutions.

Quick Tip One great way to solve problems as a family is to set a family strategy for communicating about these issues. Researchers have found it works really well for families to define the problem, brainstorm solutions without judgment, and then choose a solution that works for everyone. This step-by-step approach can take practice, so it's good to try it on smaller issues first.

3. End Gossip With Good Family Communication

In some families, gossip can be a real issue. In fact, studies show that negative gossip can actually harm group bonds and make people less likely to work hard at communication in the future. Good communication is key to avoiding gossip, though. Instead of just listening to what people say about someone else and passing that on, it's better to focus on open and direct communication and make your family stronger.

Quick Tip It's not always easy, but going to the family member people are gossiping about to ask about the situation is a great way to open communication so that no one gets the wrong impression. You don't have to say where you got the tea. Just ask what the true situation is.

4. Be Better at Supporting Each Other When You Communicate

It's simple, really. If you know what you need and tell each other, you're way better at supporting one another when you really need some help or are just feeling overwhelmed. Even if nothing can be done about the situation, just providing a listening ear can make all the difference. Supporting each other is all about telling someone what you need and knowing that person will listen.

Quick Tip Active listening is key here, and it's an easy one to practice. When one family member has a problem, encourage them to share what they need. Then have another family member reflect that back to them to show they understand. For example, the listener might say, "I hear you saying you're overwhelmed because the house is messy and you need some help cleaning."

5. Good Family Communication Makes the Tough Times Easier

If there's one guarantee in life, it's that it's not always going to be easy. Setbacks and losses are bound to happen to all of us. Being able to communicate with family can make these times less stressful and awful, though. For instance, studies show that good family communication at the end of life can help terminally ill patients get better care and help reduce the stress on the family. The same is true for any hard time, including job losses, chronic illnesses, financial stress, and more.

Quick Tip This is a good skill to practice with kids. While problems with peers or school might not seem as serious as the big issues we're talking about, they're really good practice for communication about challenges. Encourage kids to talk about what's bothering them.

6. Communicating With Family Lets You Form Tighter Bonds

Trusting in family members by communicating with them will foster the love you share and tighten your bonds. Some families grow apart because the individual members each become wrapped up in their own lives, and they forget to come to home base to talk about the world around them. When problems do come up, if you've established a strong communicative base with your family, you'll feel as though your family is a safe place to seek shelter.

Quick Tip One really good way to keep those bonds strong and practice communication is through family meal times. Research shows that regular family meals maintain those family connections and give you a chance to have give-and-take conversations, so bring on the pot roast or pizza night.

Good Family Communication Examples to Keep in Mind

Sometimes, it's nice to have some examples to inspire you. These are a few situations where one family member is communicating well:

  • Sarah is putting her daughter to bed, and her daughter says she doesn't want to go back to school the next day. Instead of telling her daughter she has to go to school, Sarah asks her about why she wants to stay home. She finds out her daughter is scared of another child, so they work together to brainstorm ideas to solve the problem.
  • Jared is terminally ill, and he sits down with his two sons to talk about what he wants for his end-of-life care. When the time comes, his sons feel comforted knowing they followed Jared's wishes.
  • Teenager Finn is overwhelmed with homework, after-school activities, and chores. He asks his mom to do his normal chore of washing the dishes for three nights this week so he can get caught up. She listens to his request and helps him.

Remember the Importance of Family Communication

Communicating with family members is easy when you're calm and collected, but it may seem impossible to communicate anything to the other person during disagreements. This is where practice comes in handy. If you've been focusing on family communication during calm times, you'll be able to call on those skills when you really need them.

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  1. 4 Ways to Solve Your Family Problems

    1 Wait until you're not angry to discuss this problem. Family problems can be very painful, especially around family-centered times, like holidays. If your family members are arguing, waiting until everyone is calm can help keep the argument from escalating into a full-blown feud.

  2. How to Solve Family Problems

    Get Professional Help Remember to Take Care of Yourself Creating a family culture of openness and security, and taking the steps to resolve family issues, can improve relationships and maintain positive family dynamics. Common Family Problems Families face a variety of problems, both large and small.

  3. Family Issues: 13 Types, Signs & What To Do About It

    1. Clashing and/or toxic personalities Starting off basic, it's far from uncommon for a family to have clashing personalities. Perhaps siblings don't get along with one another, or one child doesn't get along with one or both parents, psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg.

  4. How to Deal With Family Problems: 10 Steps

    1 Schedule a time to talk as a group. Facing and overcoming family problems can seem impossible. When you work together, however, resolving family differences becomes more feasible. The first step towards resolution is agreeing that there is a problem in the first place.

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    Connect with a licensed therapist Signs of unhealthy family conflict: Common issues within the family unit Every family will inevitably face conflict from time to time. However, those that go unresolved or that are dealt with in unhealthy ways can take a toll on members and their relationships with each other.

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  8. How to Effectively Resolve Family Conflicts

    We may try to be proactive about responding in a way that will resolve the conflict each time (though let's face it, many of us are more focused on "winning" the argument rather than on dissolving or resolving the conflict, and there's often a difference).

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  10. Tips for Dealing With Family Conflict

    Unresolved family conflicts bring additional stress, particularly at family gatherings. Past unresolved conflicts can become the elephant in the room, felt by everyone but not directly addressed. This can be stressful for everyone before and during the family gatherings, sometimes leaving a lasting sense of stress afterward.

  11. Tips to Improve Family Relationships

    10 tips for improving family relationships. Take care of your health if you hope to take care of anyone else. The more demanding of your time your family is, the more you need to fit in exercise. Perhaps you and your family can seek out ways to exercise together. Listen if you expect to be heard.

  12. Solve Family Problems With Counseling

    Getty Every Family Has Its Problems, And Therapy Can Help Find A Family Therapist Online. Think about what happens when your children aren't happy with you. When they're young, you probably don't worry about it too much. They get frustrated or angry, and then they get over it just as quickly.

  13. Common Family Problems: Types, Tips, and Resources

    Letting the small things go and staying calm in the face of conflict reduces the negative impact. Symptoms of Family Problems in Childhood and Teenage Years Yelling and screaming: your child is constantly arguing and fighting with other family members

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    Make good friends around you who make you feel at home. 9. A Member Is Suffering from Mental Illness. When one of the family members is suffering from mental illness, it is one of the hardest family issues to handle. It is a serious issue and it can affect the family members with high intensity.

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  16. 10 Ways to Effectively Resolve Family Conflicts

    How to resolve family conflicts 1. Accept what you can and cannot control 2. Let any anger subside 3. Try to understand other family members' perspectives 4. Understand how it affects the whole family 5. Use "I" instead of "you" 6. Recognize that some issues aren't worth fighting over 7. Try reaching out rather than withdrawing 8. Work as a team

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  21. 7 Situations That Cause Family Conflict And How To Fix Them

    Don't step back; reach out. Instead of staying away, talk to your family. It shows you want to fix things and have a good talk to solve family problems. Work As A Team. Think of fixing problems like a team game. Work together with your family to find answers. It's important to show how everyone in the family can help and work together.

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